Wherever You Go, There You Are

This past month is the longest that I've ever been away from my blog. I tend to hibernate when I'm not feeling all that grand emotionally, and so I guess that you could say that I've been in a cave without internet access lately. It's been a rough time here and I haven't really wanted to talk about it. Until now.

First, let me say that my depression (because that's really what it is) has nothing to do with the baby. He's fabulous and every day is a joy with him. He's actually the bright spot in an otherwise dark time and I'm so happy for the respite that he provides.

I guess that the best way to describe what has happened is that I've been blindsided by emotions and feelings that I thought had been laid to rest. What an interesting phrase to use, "laid to rest", because this has so much to do with the death of my father.

As you may know, my father took his own life in 2001, just a month after 9/11. His suicide was a complete and utter shock to me and rocked me to my very core. I sunk into such a deep depression that I never thought that I would be able to pull myself out of it. But two years later I did. And I thought that the reason that I was able to move on was that I had finally made some kind of peace with the whole situation. I thought that I had processed it and could put it behind me. I was wrong.

Let me go back just a little bit and tell you that my father's death was not the first suicide in my life. Nearly a decade before I had lost both a dear friend and my stepbrother to suicide. Their deaths occurred less than a year apart and were the first time that I had lost someone close to me. And I lost them both so close together.

After my father's death I became terrified of everything. On the day that I learned of his death I was saddled with an anxiety disorder that has never fully gone away. People have said that since I met Bruno my whole demeanor has become much more relaxed, but the truth is that I'm still always filled with some degree of fear or dread on any given day. It's as if any moment the whole world can fall out from under me. I live with that fear and sometimes it's more intense than others.

This anxiety has permeated every aspect of my life. Where I was once a vibrant social being I've morphed into a quiet and reserved wallflower. I used to walk into a room and command attention. Now I pray that no one looks too closely at me. I once had confidence in who I was and now I second-guess every decision that I make and every desire that I have. Somehow I've come to believe that I'm always in the wrong. That my needs aren't as important as other people's needs and that I'm taking up other people’s valuable time. I don't believe in myself anymore. And worse, I don't feel that I can share my feelings with others because I might hurt them.

And then they might take their own life.

This may sound egotistical to you. It sounds completely ridiculous to me too, except that it's the truth of how I feel. I'm terrified of hurting others or even "rocking the boat" because the results could be earth shattering. I feel this way because the last interaction that I had with my father was over a letter that I sent him. This letter told him how much he had hurt me by not standing up for me when I needed him most. I was harsh. I didn't mince words. I wanted to shock him and to force him into some kind of reaction. He was so flat in real life that I had to cut deep to elicited any kind of response from him. But I didn't intend to hurt him. I just wanted to make it so that he had to apologize because he was human and what human could read this letter without feeling anything? And I was his daughter. Didn't that mean anything? Didn't he feel anything for his little girl?

I never heard from my father after I sent the letter. I did however hear from my stepmother. She called to tell me that I had hurt my father very badly and owed him an apology. I never apologized. We never spoke again. Then he killed himself. To be fair, he didn't die immediately after I sent the letter. It was actually 3 years later. But I've never been able to shake the thought that I had something to do with his death. I hurt him and he couldn’t live with himself anymore. Jesus Christ. Do you know how much that hurts me?

So anyhow, all of this background is to show you where I've been in my head, off and on, for the past 5 years. Some days it's worse than others and up until recently it hasn't been too bad at all. But then I had a phone call on Thanksgiving weekend that brought the horror right back into full reality. Someone very close to me had disappeared and we suspected that it wasn't going to end well. I actually spent an entire day thinking that this person was already dead. That he had taken his own life. And I wasn't far off.

When he did turn up it was in a hospital on suicide watch. He had come very close. So close that I can't sleep at night anymore. And when I do sleep my dreams are filled with horrible nightmares that leave me panting for air and drenched in sweat. And I just want to crawl into a cave and sleep for the next millennium. Because if I'm sleeping then I can't get bad phone calls and no one can die and my life can't get turned upside down. Again.

That's where I've been for the past month. Terrified to answer the phone because the news on the other end could be too horrible to comprehend. And sad. Terribly sad. And angry that I live with this fear that feels like it will never go away. And afraid to share my feelings with anyone because the consequences are so uncertain that I can't take the risk.

So, after a two-year break from antidepressants, I'm back on the happy pills and waiting for the bliss to kick in. So far, nothing.

Comments

[manda]

It isn't fair for the universe to ask so much of one person. You are so strong! To have suffered such a life and still be the kind and loving person you are... to be able to enjoy a loving relationship with your husband and survive pregnancy and the first traumatizing times of newborn parenting..... and still have a sense of humor! Wow.
I wish there was something that we all could do to ease your pain. I know it doesn't really help, but know that there are a lot of people in your life now that love you and would do whatever they could to make your life easier. I've known you only a short time, but I count myself one of them.
Cheers to happy pills! I hope they work and allow you to move over this latest hurdle on the path of healing. Kisses from the baby (they're the best kind).

[Lindsey]

I am so sorry that you have to endure all these sadnesses. To be able to get this far, and BE MARRIED with a new baby says a lot for you who are and how strong you are, as well as your hubs. I have suffered from depression many times, one for the suicide of a close friend and at times I feel that I'll never get over it, like it just happened, and it was also in 2001. I can't even imagine dealing with more than one, and my heard goes out to you! Keep your head up and your eyes on your cute baby. It seems like maybe he's exactly what you need to help you through the tough times.

[Melissa]

Gigi, I am so sorry for your losses. Losing someone you love is never easy anyway, then to have it happen in such a tragic way..I just can't imagine. I think grieveing is a lifelong process, I know I go in and out of grief over my mom and she's been gone 7 years now. Maybe the depression is not because of the hormones, but I know I hurt a little every time my babies smile, wishing she were here to share it with me.

Please don't go anywhere. I do read but don't post or respond very well. I'll try to do better. Love M

[Ashley]

I'm very sorry to hear all that you have endured. Your story has made me realize that I am very fortunate...all in just the five minutes that I spent reading it. May whoever read this, come to the same realization. Just remember that even if people are not with you physically, they are always...ALWAYS with you someway. Your attitude affects your loved ones around you. Each day you wake up is a miracle itself. Live your life to the fullest. There is always hope. Keep holding on to your faith.