The End Of An Era...

Well, sort of. Usually an era is 10 years and this one only lasted 3, but the point is... I quit my job today. I had to. They pushed me too far this time. Here's the scoop... Months ago when I was planning for my maternity leave I worked out an agreement with the people that I write for. The agreement was this: I would research and write all of the articles before I went on leave and would send them to the client for review as they were due. This way (as I explained repeatedly to them) I would still get paid for the time that I was technically "on leave".

So, here we are, the first month of my leave and I've held up my end of the bargain, but they have not. I did not receive my check from them and when I called to find out where it was I was told that they would not be paying me while I'm "out on leave". What?!? You’re choosing now, when I'm on maternity leave, to pull this kind of shenanigan? To me, this is the ultimate betrayal. I can't imagine a worse time for them to do this. I have repeatedly gone above and beyond for them and this is how I'm repaid.

Deciding to quit was one of the most difficult decisions of my life. In my mind I was torn between being responsible and standing up for myself. It turns out that maybe I'm not doing the irresponsible thing... at least not entirely. We'll find a way to make this work somehow. I just can't continue to work for someone who isn't respecting me in the manner that they should. Actually, they aren't respecting me at all and I'm an idiot if I stand by and continually take this from them.

I was thinking about this all night long last night and I came to a realization. I don't have much of a backbone, or maybe the better word would be self-esteem. Either way, I've somehow found myself in a situation where I'm repeatedly walked all over and I fail to stand up for myself. Not only that, I somehow feel that I don't deserve to stand up for myself. That maybe they are somehow right and I'm somehow wrong. Where in the hell did this thinking come from???

While reviewing the situation I remembered that I've tried to quit this job twice before now. The first time was when I told them that, because they hadn't given me the raise that I was promised, I wasn't able to buy the car that I needed to get to and from work. Therefore, I quit. How did that turn out? Instead of walking out of the office with a big, satisfied grin on my face because that crazy place was behind me, I walked out of there at 5pm with a check in my pocket for a car. It was a loan so that I could keep my job. I honestly didn't want it because the car was just an excuse to leave, but I didn't know how to say no. So I stayed and paid back the loan. The loan that made me indebted to them- something that I NEVER wanted to be. And it shifted the power, in my mind. I no longer felt in control of my destiny (at least job wise). I no longer felt that I could stand up for myself because they had, so generously, loaned me money and who am I to disrespect someone who would help me?

So, I made every single loan payment on time and then decided that I was moving to Michigan with Bruno. This would, once again, require me to quit my job- something that I was thrilled to do! I was so excited that I gave them a month’s notice. When they asked what I planned to do in Michigan I told them that I would bartend or wait tables while I wrote the great American novel. I really wanted to do this. I had dreamed about this and now it was going to finally happen! How did they respond? "We want you to continue working for us from Michigan and we'll give you a loan to set up your office so that you can do that." Um, ok. Because I couldn't say no and because I thought that I would still have time to write my novel. But did it turn out that way? No. Of course not. I got to Michigan with a verbal agreement on how I would be paid and that flew out the window after one month. My fees were cut in half (by them) and I was in no position to argue because, for one, I owed them money again, and two, they were my only form of income. I felt trapped and in no position to do anything but grin and bear it.

That was nearly two years ago and I've been in that same trapped position ever since. I have done so much for them in that time, yet nothing has ever changed. A few months back I was feeling really down about my job (per usual) when I finally resolved to stick with it so that I could stay at home with my son. I decided that I could deal with their BS if only for the option to be with my child. It would be ok, I told myself. Well, here we are just one month into the baby's life and already they've pushed beyond the limit of what is a reasonable sacrifice. Bruno and I are not in a position to miss a paycheck, let alone 3 month's worth. We didn't plan for that because I was assured that this would not happen. Yet, here we are.

Things are going to be hard here and I'm feeling really bad that my decision to finally quit has come at such a poor time. But, what option did I have, really? None. So, I guess that I'm going to be a stay at home mom for the time being, which is fabulous. I just with that it hadn't come in such an unexpected way.

Comments

[IrishGoddess]

Congratulations on standing up for yourself! You DO deserve it! I know how hard it is to leave, to quit, even when they are treating you like shit. I still have unresolved issues about doing the same thing a year ago. But making the leap ultimately led me to experience something I hadn't for a long time... peace. I hope the same for you.

[kate]

Holy cow! Well, I'm glad you're done with those jerks, but you should review your employment agreement with them. Are you technically an employee or are you a freelancer? Because if you're technically employed in California, you have a legal right to paid family leave.

I know you've probably done your research though, so... just sending a hug.

[Sarah]

Congratulations to you. This is one of those moves that is soooo hard to make, and sooo easy to justify not making but soooo sorth it once you have.