Spilled Milk- Part 2

Thank you to everyone who left such nice and supporting comments on my last post. I really needed to hear that it was ok for me to decide to quit breastfeeding. I shouldn't care what others think, or need other people’s approval, but I do. I think that the biggest reason why I was struggling with the decision was due to my fear of how other people would judge me. The whole "breast is best" campaign has gotten inside my head and I fear the judgment from other mother's... the passing of judgment on how I'm raising my child, how I'm failing my child and how I'm placing myself before my child. Remember all of my posts about my issues with perfection? Well, here we go again. I want to be the perfect mother and already I've fallen short of that. I'm thinking that this isn't going to be the last time that I fail to do the "perfect" thing for my baby either. And so begins guilt of motherhood....

As you've probably guessed, I did decide to stop breastfeeding. The day that I wrote my last post was a damn horrible day. The morning began with our hour-long session of "failing to latch on" and went steadily down hill from there. I cried all day long. I think that I was in mourning. I kept saying to Bruno, "If I could just find a way to be ok with quitting breastfeeding..." And then Bruno said something quite insightful (and Kris, you said this also!): So far, the time that I've spent with the baby has primarily been during breastfeeding and that time has been mostly a huge struggle. I haven't been able to just relax and enjoy my child. We've been at odds since I first tried to get him latched on. And that is not how I want our relationship to be. Period.

So, armed with Bruno's insight, I gave myself permission to let go. I gave the baby bottles for the rest of the day and made a point to really enjoy the time that we spent together. And how free did I feel? Fabulously free! Once I decided to just let go I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of me.

Does this mean that I'm totally happy with my decision? No. There's a part of my heart where I store things that may never be resolved and now this is one of those things. Already in there is the tragic loss of my father and the dog (my first child) that I had to give away when I moved to Michigan. And now there's a place on the shelf for my defunct breastfeeding wishes. I know that, with time, the pain of this loss will lessen, but that it will never completely go away. And sometimes, when I least expect it, it will creep up on me and hit me all over again. But I did the best that I could.

Comments

[Jo]

Hi,
I understand that sense of loss. 5 years ago when he was born, I couldn't breastfeed my son either.

I hired a Medela Lactina (hospital grade pump)and pumped every feed instead. I did this for 14 months and several things kept me motivated, one of which was the fear a decision to abandon breastfeeding would come up and hit me (like you mentioned in your post).

I am commenting on this in case you didn't know you had this option.

I'm a fertility counsellor and in my follow up consultations with clients one of the worst issues I find new Mothers who had strongly desired to breastfeed dealing with is regretting not being able to (or not having the right support) to establish breastfeeding.

Best wishes to you and baby. You're a good mother and you make good decisions!

[IrishGoddess]

I'm so glad you are giving yourself permission to let go!

[Brooke]

Any decision you make that makes your time with your son more enjoyable for him and for YOU is going to be the right decision. I also struggled for months with breastfeeding Gabe, and now all I have is a memory of struggling. Just remember that many fully functional, well-adjusted, even happy and successful adults weren't breastfed as infants (including most of us). So everything will be okay, enjoy your son now that you can!