Spilled Milk

Breastfeeding. I hate this topic with a passion. It should be easy. It's natural and what's best for the baby. I want to give my child the best possible start... but how long can I struggle with this before I finally give up?

This is how it started... I took the classes and read the books. I was bound and determined to breastfeed my son. Then, when he was born, he was taken away from me before I could get him latched on in that crucial window of time where the brain becomes imprinted. And I feel like this is where it began going down hill. I asked the doctor to let me feed him but he said no. Case closed. So then the baby spent his first few days of life in NICU where he was given a bottle. We didn't want to do it, but my milk hadn't come in yet and they wouldn't release him to us until he had proven that he could eat. So we fed him a bottle and then another bottle and before we knew it, he was more accustomed to the bottle than he was to me.

When we got the baby home I was still determined to nurse him. I rented a pump from the hospital to encourage my milk to come in. I practiced getting him to latch on with some success. But my breasts aren't made for breastfeeding. Yes, they have milk, but they aren't the right shape and so the baby isn't able to latch on properly. And when he does latch on he does a number on them, to say the least. I nursed him for the first few days that he was home but then my nipples became cracked and bloody and one of them scabbed over entirely. I could only pump at that point because it was too painful to bring the baby to my breast.

At this point I became so frustrated and cried every time I thought about the failure. And more than the fact that nursing wasn't going as planned, my heart was breaking because I wanted to quit. And if I quit, then I've already failed at the first really important thing that I can do for my son.

So, I didn't quit because the idea of failing my son was too much for me to take on. I pumped for a week and fed him with a bottle, supplementing with formula at night. Then I called the La Leche League and someone came to my house to help us with our latch. And it worked! For a week. Then my nipples ended up bruised and scabby again. And last night, when my son latched on for the billionth time that day, the pain was too much for me to take. So, I gave him a bottle. Then he had two more throughout the night. And this morning, when I woke up to try to nurse him again, he refused to latch on. We tried for over an hour. I cried. I rocked him. I burped him. I changed his diaper. I cried some more. And then, when I could take it no more, I made him another bottle.

I want to quit. And I hate myself for wanting to quit. If I quit, then I've failed. I've failed my son, I've failed myself, I've failed the people who are rooting for me... And I don't know how I can look myself in the mirror knowing what I'm taking away from my baby. Yet I still want to quit.

Comments

[amanda]

Oh, honey. You've worked so hard. It's a great thing you've tried and you have to follow your heart on this. I really recommend you try the shields... it will keep you from getting sore but still let him nurse. Or, you could continue to pump and bottle feed. At least then he would still be getting breast milk. If you do decide to switch to formula, no one would hate you for it. Besides, it's none of their business anyway. It's you and your child. No one else matters. Either way, Zoe and I are rooting for you!

[Kris]

I am so sorry. I can't say that I understand the difficulty that you've had- I was very lucky in that respect, but my work situation is forcing me to wean except for 2 feedings a day (which I'm not sure will work), and I completely understand the guilt.

The one thing that I will say is that as stressed out as this is making you isn't good for your son. A happy mom is just as beneficial to him. I'm not trying to say that you should quit, that's nobody's decision but yours- but if it's what you need to do, don't feel guilty about it. Focus on the good things you are giving him... like extra quality time with mom, and whole lot less frustration!

Good luck!

[IrishGoddess]

You. Are. Not. Quitting!

You have done what you can. You love your baby, and nothing - NOTHING - changes that. There are millions of very well loved, healthy, well nourished children who were bottle fed. Gigi, you need to do what is best for the baby AND for you. Frustration and stress is not good for you. You are a wonderful, loving mother! Don't you ever think otherwise.

[IrishGoddess]

Oh, and what I mean is that quitting is like you have given up and it is a bad thing... you are switching tactics. You need to be happy and stress free - you are being proactive (not quitting) and making a change to make things better.