Why Bruno's Afraid Of Me

It's been days (maybe even weeks?) since my last post and I know that some of you might be thinking that I've been busy having a baby or something. No. No baby. I've been busy being in a somewhat foul mood though. Yup. Because there is no baby yet. I realize that my due date isn't for another two weeks, but we've had many indications that this baby is coming early, yet he remains illusive. He's the illusive baby.

In the past couple of weeks we've had two occasions to visit labor and delivery, both times being sent home with news that the baby is fine and that they expect to see us soon. How soon is soon, I want to know. Did you know that baby's operate on their own timeline? And that apparently, doctors, with all of their wisdom and education, still can't even come close to telling you when this kid is popping out. Sure, they can pick a date on the calendar and call it your "due" date, but even then they'll tell you that there's really only a 5% chance that you'll actually have the baby on that date. Thanks. I have better odds of getting struck by lightening.

So, I'm stuck reading tea leaves and deciphering bullshit horoscopes in search of a clue as to when this child will arrive. Can you sense that I have a problem with patience? And control? And maybe, just maybe, I have a slight attitude problem to boot?

Bruno says that he's been really lucky during this pregnancy because I haven't been the emotional, bitchy pregnant woman that we expected I would be. You know, because the world has a stereo-type of the lunatic pregnant woman and the partner is supposed to sit by and take abuse from his (or her) significant other to make up for the fact that they themselves aren't carrying the unborn child. Well, I wasn't like that. I think that I only snapped at Bruno once or twice the whole 10 months- and even those times I apologized right away. Which is odd, to be certain, because I tend to be on the emotional side. I guess just not so much on the bitchy side. Where some women spend their 10 months of pregnancy throwing sharp objects at their significant others, I just spent at least 5 minutes of each and every day crying.

But let me tell you, I think that all of my bitchiness has been saved up for this final push to the end. I'm still not channeling it at Bruno, but it's there! For instance, this morning I read in the news that the post office is planning on phasing out the vending machines that sell stamps and this made me really f-ing angry. Like crazy machete-wielding-killer kind of angry. "How dare they?" I ranted. "The only good thing about the post office is that you can go in there and buy stamps without ever having to talk to a postal employee! The sons-of-bitches!" The tirade went on for a good 15 minutes before I realized how crazy I sounded. I looked over at Bruno (poor poor Bruno) who was sitting next to me quietly. "I'm feeling a little passionate about this," I said. "I can tell," he replied. Then he fled the room. I haven't actually seen him since. I think that he's doing dishes... and hiding the sharp knives....

So, since I can barely stand all of my bitching (and I'm the one doing the bitching), I've been trying just about everything to get this child out. Here is a list of things that I've attempted:

1. Eating spicy foods
2. Driving on the bumpiest roads in Detroit (and aiming at the pot holes!)
3. Bouncing up and down on my birthing ball
4. Walking, walking, walking
5. Intimate relations with the husband
6. Acupressure
7. Aromatherapy
8. Cleaning the entire house (including the bathtub on my hands and knees)
9. Guided imagery
10. Eating oregano, basil, cilantro and eggplant (not all at once)
11. Bargaining with the baby
12. Bribing the baby
13. Threatening the baby

Things that I have not tried:

1. Drinking castor oil
2. Black cohosh
3. An enema (which Bruno's aunt swears by)
4. Raspberry tea

I think that it's safe to say that I won't be trying any of the things on the last list, although the closer that we get the more desperate I become.

So, if you wonder where I am over the next couple of days, rest assured that I'm probably not having a baby but rather I'm keeping busy bouncing up and down on the birthing ball or chasing down pot holes from here to Chicago. If you happen to know of anything else that might work, please email me or leave a comment. And if your advice is to be patient, well please save it for someone else. Someone who isn't carrying a small elephant in her uterus. Thank you.

Comments

[OmegaMom]

I've heard good things about Pizza Hut pizza and...um...the salad? at Olive Garden.

Ah, you've hit that "I'm just so sick & f'ing tired of being pregnant that I WANT THIS CREATURE OUT OF ME!!!" point. No advice or help, just pointing out that you are in the end stages now, and soon the creature WILL be out of you. Woohoo!

[Kris]

I SOOOO understand where you are at. The one I also tried was pineapple- apparently there is something in the enzymes that helps. For lunch the day my water broke I had eaten a spicy thai fried rice with pineapple, so perhaps the combo of spicy & enzymes. =)

Hang in there... those last 2 weeks are the worst, but as much as you don't believe it, it does end and you will never care how miserable you were.

[Sharla C]

Hi, there! My name is Sharla, and I am due on the same date as you. I check in on your blog every once in awhile. I can feel your frustration with 'wanting Baby out!' I am pretty tired of pregnancy myself. I have a friend who swears by drinking raspberry leaf tea, so if/when you get desperate, she says it works. (If I get to that point, I may try it myself!) Anyhow, good luck, and hopefully the last couple of weeks of your pregnancy goes well!
Sharla

[amanda]

I'm probably the last person you want to hear from right now... but I thought I'd chip in with the following: hours before going into labor I ate entirely too much spaghetti with extra garlic, three enormous glasses of (probably from powder) lemonade and an entire carton of Ben and Jerry's "Neapolitan Dynamite" ice cream. We think it was the ice cream. =) I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you girl. Oh. And by the way. Get the epidural. I didn't have time. Wished I had. xoxo