As time whizzes by I've gotten further and further away from this blog, which was once my favorite pass-time. Now my days are filled with lists of baby items that need to be purchased and books that need to be read (like the one about nursing and the other one about the actual delivery!) and articles that need to be written (to ensure that I get at least a few months of uninterrupted maternity leave). I'm going insane actually with all of the things that need to be completed. We're at least making headway on the baby's room, which is of great comfort to me, but the other things? Far far behind, I'm afraid.
I'm due on November 1st-All Saint's Day, as my husband keeps reminding me. I know that there is about a 5% chance that I'll actually birth this child on my due date, but what I didn't know is that I could go into labor as early as week 34 (next week). And if I did go into labor that early, the doctors would not try to stop it. Another thing that I did not know. I continually tell myself that this WILL NOT HAPPEN, but... should it happen, I'M NOT READY!
That was the straw that broke the camels back yesterday. The words that finally sent me over the edge. It's not like I wasn't already sitting in the barrel just waiting my turn to tip over Niagara Falls already, but this was the final push that I needed. My doctor uttered those words and away I went. No time to strap on my rain hat or even grab a tissue to wipe off the condensation that was sure to ensue. I was soaked within a matter of nano-seconds.
To be fair, this all started on Sunday when I so thoughtlessly decided to go to Babies-R-Us with Bruno to pick up some of the remaining necessities on our registry. We had just completed our Child Care and Safety class a few days earlier and I now felt confident about what things we really did need for the little guy to survive and what things were just "nice to have" items. Armed with the "Must Haves" list we were now much more informed parents-to-be heading off into battle- er, I mean Babies-R-Us. Looking back at the whole thing I just kind of shake my head in bewilderment. Did I really think that this trip would be any different than the others? Was I blinded by my new found knowledge? Did I really believe that one measly class would make me a more informed shopper? Ha! That store systematically, aisle by aisle, ripped me from limb to limb. Just walking into that place triggers my asthma and I'm hyperventilating and breathing into my purse to keep from passing out. And no, it's not excitement that's doing it. It's SHEER PANIC. This store is set up for the sole purpose of reminding me that I know nothing about babies. They prey on that fact. I can barely make it to the stroller section before I'm wiping my forehead and ringing my hands. By the time we get to bedding I'm fighting back tears. I can't even tell you what happens at the checkout stand. All I know is that I blindly hand over the credit card, sign away my paycheck and hope to god that something made it into our cart that we will actually use. When we get to the car I'm no longer able to contain the tears and so the entire 40-minute drive home is spent with the windshield wipers moving back and forth on my eyeballs so that I can see and not get us killed in an accident.
That's exactly what happened this time, even though we knew what we wanted when we entered that dangerous place. It didn't matter. Within two seconds I had lost all of the confidence that I'd gained from our class and I was back to the bumbling idiot from before. Tack on the fact that I'm having a difficult time walking because of an issue with my pelvis and you can just imagine how the afternoon played out. And even though we did leave the store with most of the items on our list, I still was in panic mode and I wasn't leaving it any time soon.
I don't know exactly what pushes me into this panic mode other than the fact that I'm totally overwhelmed by everything in my life right now. I cried on Saturday over something completely unrelated to the baby, but equally important in my life. I cried on Sunday because of the shopping trip. Then I woke up crying on Monday because of my pelvic pain. On top of everything else, I have this pain that makes it near impossible to sleep at night and incredibly difficult to walk around during the day. I'm sooooo tired that I'm shocked that I don't just pass out at night, but I don't because I'm so uncomfortable. I told my doctor about the pain at my last appointment two weeks ago and she said, "Welcome to pregnancy." It was really upsetting to be dismissed so casually, but I didn't press it. So this week I've been really stressed about how she would respond to the same complaint at my next appointment, which was yesterday. She took me a bit more seriously, but since there isn't much that can be done I let it go. And because I was too tired and dejected feeling to assert myself. Bruno tried to be my advocate but I didn't back him because I was fighting off tears and didn't want to totally lose it. So now I'm still in pain and no closer to a resolution other than getting this baby out of me.
Which is a whole other issue. Getting this baby out of me. I am so terrified of the delivery that I'm having panic attacks when I allow myself to think about it too much. I've gone to the library and checked out books to prepare me but then I don't read them because I'm so afraid. Like irrationally afraid. I know that there are a few women out there who are also pregnant and read my blog. Are you just as afraid as I am? Is it normal to be absolutely crazy terrified of childbirth? I told my husband the other day that I don't know the first thing about what the delivery will be like because I've purposely avoided anything having to do with it for the past 8 months. His response? "Maybe you should read a book or something..." My response? More tears. Fortunately we begin our birthing classes tomorrow so that should help.... If I can make it through a class without running screaming from the building.
So, that's a small glimpse into my world right now. Scary, huh? Let me tell you, I'm hyperventilating just writing this. And I woke up in a much better place today. Argh...
We just started our birthing class last week. It should help a ton! I know it is helping us. Just to get an idea of what you're supposed to do, in what order, and when was wonderful. It also helped to sit in a room with 15 other couples who were as clueless and terrified as we were. It was all very therapeutic. We have two more sessions to go.
Sorry to hear you are in so much pain. Here's some helpful healing energy! *wiggles fingers* Hope it helps. =)
Posted by: Amanda | September 12, 2006 at 12:34 PM