I Never Wanted You To See Me This Way, Internet!

A few thoughts on my new banner and how it relates to my life.... Some of you saw the interim banner that was posted for less than a day that looks much like this one, but not like this one at all. I don't know how in the heck that actually became the new banner since I had only popped in the picture to preview it but NEVER saved the change or republished my entire blog (which is what you have to do in order to change your banner). It's especially mysterious since I did the preview thing on Monday and then it just randomly popped up on my blog yesterday. Is my blog haunted??? That would be kind of cool...

Let me just say that I'm neurotic. It's an official fact that became confirmed (as if I needed confirmation) this morning when I freaked out at the sight of my blog. The picture wasn't centered! And it wasn't even close to being finished! And it had not yet met the hefty requirements in order to get my seal of approval! OH MY GOD! How could something like this happen?!? It's like the equivalent of showing up to school naked. This can't be happening!!!

Um, see what I mean about the neurotic thing? It's true. So, I spent the morning in Illustrator and Photo Shop finishing the banner because I couldn't, for one single minute more, have anyone thinking that I CHOSE to have my banner placed so willy-nilly on my site or that I had purposely made my blog look this way. (I'm being tongue in cheek here, but really, this is a big deal for me....)

OK, so how does this relate to my life??? Well, I'm not just neurotic about my blog. I'm neurotic about my appearance and about my house, too. Actually, those things are all about outer appearances and how I could be viewed. I don't want to give anyone a reason to find fault in me EVER. I'm terrified of that little "in" that makes me vulnerable to being judged (and thereby hurt) by anyone. So, if everything is perfect all of the time then no one can say a word to me. It's the Bree Vandekamp "Rules For Living" philosophy. (Seriously, when I first saw her on Desperate Housewives I thought that I had found my soul mate. Turns out that her life ain't so grand.... Hmmmm....)

Remember how I wrote about being invisible? Well, as I got older I found a new interpretation of invisible. Instead of merely blending into the wallpaper I made myself impenetrable by donning a "perfect" exterior. It was a way to exist (or so I thought) and function without letting anyone get too close. I had it down to a science and, let me tell you, it worked really well! So well that I never made any friends and alienated much of the world. What a way to live! "Look at me! I'm perfect and you can't touch me! I'm safe! And lonely as hell...."

In the past 4 years I've worked hard to shed that need for constant "perfection" and have made great strides in doing so. I haven't given up my armor completely though, and if I feel threatened or vulnerable in any way then I revert immediately to my old ways. For example, this morning and my banner. I had just spent the past week bearing my soul to the internet and have been feeling very unbalanced as a result. This is probably why I felt the need to redecorate the site: so that I could dress up in my armor and make things perfect. Imagine my horror then when the whole damn thing backfired on me and you saw my banner before it was ready. Naked doesn't even begin to express how I felt. I imagined that you were all sitting in your respective homes, in front of your computers, pointing and laughing at my horrible site. Saying to yourselves how tacky I am. What a horrible banner-creator I am. How I probably wear white after Labor Day, too!

So, I'm thinking of adding a tip jar to the side bar over there and taking up a therapy collection. What do you think?

Comments

[OmegaMom]

What a faboo banner! I love it! (And I didn't see the interim version--I even had to hit refresh to see your new one once you mentioned it in the post.)

"Perfection" is one way of hiding. I'm glad you're coming out of your shell a bit at a time.

[IrishGoddess]

Gigi, I noticed the new banner that day and thought "oh, she changed her banner." I'm not big on details, and only noticed today that it looks slightly different now. :)

[emily]

first, i didnt see the bad banner either. and second i wanted to tell you that when i first met you i thought you were PERFECT i wanted to be just like you. never mussed like myrna or claudette. then i got to know you and just got used to this perfect looking you. my first thought when i saw you the night i met bruno was not about your hair or makeup or your darn cute shoes, it was "wow, look how HAPPY and HEALTHY my beatiful gigi looks!
look at that glow." it took seeing the change to notice how unhappy you were before. even your brother said he'd never seen you look that good.
you are growing so much and coming so far and we are so happy and proud of you. YOU are great.
i still want to be just like you.