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Things that I want to write about, when I have time...

1. The baby room theme! After a long and arduous search (one which involved many tears, a few panic attacks and several intense cigarette cravings) Bruno and I have decided that we are not going to succumb to a manufactured theme for our little guy. Duh! Bruno's an artist! (And I have the diplomas to prove it!) And I'm crafty- just see the trail of half finished projects that I've left in my wake. We should use these talents to our advantage, gosh darn it! So, when I get a moment to compile samples of our idea (and then photograph said samples and then photoshop them to remove my thumb from every single photo...) I'll post our idea.

2. My new office. It's awesome and has two huge red carpets. And it's all mine. And I want to share it with YOU!

3. My new found interest in work. That crazy article-stealing incident somehow acted as a catalyst to propel me out of my lacsidasical, who-gives-a-crap attitude and now I'm a new woman. With power (because I took it back, damnit!). But my mom told me not to get mad with power. What does she mean???? HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! BOOOHHHAAAAAAAAA!!!!

That's what's on my mind, but I'm busy so I can't go into any of it right now. I also have pictures (of those secret button creations that I refused to disclose... until NOW!, my belly- the one that has completely obscured my view of my feet, and food that I cooked!!!). It's a crazy time in the life of Bruno and Gigi, I tell ya. I'm cooking and writing and sewing and gluing and decorating and getting huge all the while.... So stay tuned!

WTF!?!

I rarely talk about my work here because, let's face, who wants to get Dooced? Not me, I say! But, sometimes something comes along that is just too big to ignore. And today, that something has happened. The ultimate backstabbing betrayal. The kind that comes seemingly out of nowhere from a person that you would never have suspected. The kind that is so shocking that it's hard to even believe it could be true. But it IS true. And it happened. And this is how it went down:

I'm trekkin' along, doing my thing (which is ghostwrite a magazine column). I submitted my monthly article to the person that I wrote it for so that he/she could read it, make any necessary changes and return it to me. Because this person is so busy, I deal mostly with his/her secretary who has always appeared to be trust worthy. On the date that it was due back to me the secretary emailed me a completely different version of the article and said that it was rewritten by my client because I didn't have the necessary knowledge to successfully write this particular article. Um, huh?

Yeah, DING DING DING!!! Bells and whistles were going off left and right but I was trying really hard not to get angry so I just sent off the article to the magazine without reading it. After all, why should I? It's what the client wanted to submit and they, ultimately, have the final say. But, I couldn't let it go so the next day I called the client and this is what I found out: THE SECRETARY WROTE THE ARTICLE HERSELF AND NEVER EVEN SHOWED MY ORIGINAL ARTICLE TO THE CLIENT. The client didn't even get the chance to read the secretary's article as the secretary bypassed her boss completely and LIED to me about the client rewriting it! So the article that I sent to the magazine? Never read or approved by ANYONE. Holy Shit!

So, needless to say, I've spent my day running around putting out fires and begging the magazine not to print the article that I sent them. And let me just tell you, when I finally did read the article the secretary wrote... Well, it was F-ING AWEFUL! So bad that the editor knew something was up when she/he read it.

I got to tell you, my job is in no way glamorous and I rarely get any kind of respect or thanks. I most certainly NEVER get any recognition. I'm a ghostwriter for christ's sake. No one even knows that I write the articles that they read. Yet somehow, I'm constantly having to fend off crazy people from trying to steal my job! I'm not lying. While this is the most extreme case so far, this woman isn't the first to try to pull something like this. As a matter of fact, she's the THIRD person I've had to beat off my job with a stick. What the hell? I guess that I should be flattered, but instead it just pisses me off and makes me say a lot of bad words. The kind that start with an F.

Back To Normal (?)

Thank you for all of the kind emails and comments that you guys sent me after my emotional breakdown! They mean so much to me and I could tell how sincere your words (collectively) were! It's always hard for me to accept the aftermath of my meltdowns because it's easy for me to vent but not so easy for me to accept support. I generally regret airing out my feelings because afterwards I feel as if I was fishing for compliments or something and that makes me feel like crapola! I realize that this goes way back to how I was raised and that it's an issue that I've had most of my life and one that I really need to be getting over here. Funny how pregnancy brings up a boatload of issues from childhood, some of which you thought were resolved. Ha!

For now I am doing better. I now realize that the panic attacks might be around for a while, which is good to know so that I'm prepared (at least somewhat) when they hit. Never before have I had to deal with them without medication, so this is a new level of... what's the word?... emotional awareness or emotional maturity(???) that I need to have. It's kind of frightening how much I have depended on "substances" to control and/or suppress my thoughts, feelings, compulsions, fears (and the list goes on...). Once Bruno and I decided to start our family I knew that I would have to stop taking my antidepressants and anxiety medications, so that was the first stripping of the insulating "shroud". But I could still have a cocktail or two, which is an amazing antidepressant, I've found. However, once those two little pink lines arrived the cocktails, too, went the way of the prescriptions and now I'm left to my own (inept) resources to deal with my issues. And boy have the issues risen to the surface. Surprisingly (at least to me) I'm doing way better than I could have hoped for. It's just those occasional moments where the world seems too much to handle and I want to go hibernate. But don't normal people feel that way sometimes?

(I know that I owe many emails to many of you fabulous women and I promise that I will soon get to them. I'm in the middle of moving and work deadlines right now and don't have much downtime at the moment. But once I do, look out!)

And The Dam Breaks

I've been wound up tighter than a knot lately, like I'm going to snap. It's anxiety- at least I can identify it. I've lived with an anxiety disorder long enough to know the signs. It's like the walls around you are getting closer and closer to your body until everything is on top of you and you can't breath. I had a panic attack yesterday in the parking lot of Burlington Coat Factory. I honestly couldn't tell how close or far away the cars were from mine, so I felt like I was going to get into an accident at any minute. But, I wasn't in any danger what so ever. Other than the danger of losing my mind.

So, today I went to my new yoga class- the one that I love been haven't talked about here at all. I walked in and the instructor asked me how I am. You could tell by the inflection in her voice that she really cared about the answer, too. Without any of my usual spunk (I'm spunky most of the time, in case you didn't know) I told her that I'm tired. And that's when the tears began. I tried so hard to suck them in, to will them to stop, reverse direction and go back to my eyes damnit! But they didn't. Then I told her that I can feel the baby kick now and that I worry about him constantly. That I worry that I'm going to lose him. That's when the real tears started. I managed to suck it up enough to not look like an ass when I walked into the yoga studio. I even managed to make small talk with a couple of other pregnant women. I was good enough to hold in my emotions all the way until the end of the class. It was the cooling down exercises that got me. I was exhausted and the damn had already broken less than an hour ago. Whether I liked it or not I was going to cry. And I did not like it at all! During our chanting I couldn't even take a deep enough breath to sustain the chant because I was crying so hard. We were chanting, "Sat-Nan" (I think) and the instructor explained that it meant the truth within us. With each chant she wanted to think about the scores of other pregnant women that we are connected to through the birthing process. To think about our mothers and the women who have given birth before us. To think about the truth of all that.

My truth was that I'm terrified and feeling so alone in motherhood. The truth is that I don't know how to be a mom or how to prepare for motherhood. I don't even know the things that I'll need for our baby, such as clothes or furniture. And all of those women who I'm connected to through this process are a million miles away from me. We may be connected, but we aren't close and I'm alone in this. Yes, I do have a wonderful husband, but as far as the mom thing goes, I'm alone. And because of that, I can’t stop crying.

We're Having A...

I have two pieces of big news to share (although, you most likely already know both of them because I've told just about everyone I know by now)...

Number 1 Big News:

We're having a boy! Yesterday we had the big ultrasound appointment and we've been floating on a cloud ever since. Honestly, it's no secret that I've been hoping for a girl and I wouldn't be completely honest if I said that I wasn't a wee bit disappointed at the news. BUT, I'm already head over heels for this little one so it doesn't matter what his gender is. It's too late for me. I'm in love! So, now I'm just trying to process the information and really think about what it means to raise a little boy up into a man. I've been surrounded by boys/men all of my life (4 brothers, raised by my father, mostly male friends, etc...) so I know a little bit about what makes a good man and what makes a bad man and what can put a man on the fence teetering in either direction. But that's what scares me. It's so important for me to give this little boy all of the tools that he needs to grow into a self sufficient, responsible, kind, loving, happy man and that seems a lot harder than playing dress up with a little girl (which is why I really wanted a little girl!). For some reason, I just thought that raising a girl would be easier because I am one. That probably isn't true either, and had I found out that the baby was a girl I would probably be busy thinking about how I would teach her to be strong and independent and self sufficient, etc. etc. etc. Knowing the gender just makes it that much more real. As if the little guy's nearly constant kicking wasn't enough to make this a reality! But don't get me wrong. I am so happy! And I think that it's fantastic that we are having ourselves a bouncing baby boy!

Number 2 Big News:

We are moving! Not very far- only a mile away. But, we will be free of so many negative things once we vacate our current digs and settle into the new ones! This has been a long time in the coming, yet we've been hesitant to take the necessary steps because of the cost usually associated with any kind of move as well as breaking the news to our current landlord. As a matter of fact, we had decided not to move about a month ago (after months of deliberation) yet somehow we randomly stumbled across a place that was perfect and the landlord practically begged us to move in, so we said yes!

Our new home (apartment) is a two bedroom which means that baby gets his very own room! That was the selling feature to be honest. Well, that and the enormous private basement that comes with the apartment. I have space for my office down there and we have our own washer and dryer (with a laundry shoot, too!). The place is much larger than our current home so we have room to grow into it. I'm so excited! Last night Bruno and I went over there to look at the nursery and dream about our new family. Sometimes life just feels too good to be true!

That's the update on life here in the Midwest. There is much more going on but I have work to do so I'll have to post about it later on this week. I have been promising a belly picture though, so here you go:

As you can see by the label, the picture was taken at 18 weeks (which was a week ago). I'm going to have Bruno take pictures every few weeks to track my ever-expanding belly's progress.

That's all for now...