I've been wound up tighter than a knot lately, like I'm going to snap. It's anxiety- at least I can identify it. I've lived with an anxiety disorder long enough to know the signs. It's like the walls around you are getting closer and closer to your body until everything is on top of you and you can't breath. I had a panic attack yesterday in the parking lot of Burlington Coat Factory. I honestly couldn't tell how close or far away the cars were from mine, so I felt like I was going to get into an accident at any minute. But, I wasn't in any danger what so ever. Other than the danger of losing my mind.
So, today I went to my new yoga class- the one that I love been haven't talked about here at all. I walked in and the instructor asked me how I am. You could tell by the inflection in her voice that she really cared about the answer, too. Without any of my usual spunk (I'm spunky most of the time, in case you didn't know) I told her that I'm tired. And that's when the tears began. I tried so hard to suck them in, to will them to stop, reverse direction and go back to my eyes damnit! But they didn't. Then I told her that I can feel the baby kick now and that I worry about him constantly. That I worry that I'm going to lose him. That's when the real tears started. I managed to suck it up enough to not look like an ass when I walked into the yoga studio. I even managed to make small talk with a couple of other pregnant women. I was good enough to hold in my emotions all the way until the end of the class. It was the cooling down exercises that got me. I was exhausted and the damn had already broken less than an hour ago. Whether I liked it or not I was going to cry. And I did not like it at all! During our chanting I couldn't even take a deep enough breath to sustain the chant because I was crying so hard. We were chanting, "Sat-Nan" (I think) and the instructor explained that it meant the truth within us. With each chant she wanted to think about the scores of other pregnant women that we are connected to through the birthing process. To think about our mothers and the women who have given birth before us. To think about the truth of all that.
My truth was that I'm terrified and feeling so alone in motherhood. The truth is that I don't know how to be a mom or how to prepare for motherhood. I don't even know the things that I'll need for our baby, such as clothes or furniture. And all of those women who I'm connected to through this process are a million miles away from me. We may be connected, but we aren't close and I'm alone in this. Yes, I do have a wonderful husband, but as far as the mom thing goes, I'm alone. And because of that, I can’t stop crying.
Oh, baby.
Let me let you in on a Big Secret:
None of us knows what to do the first time.
Oh, some women make it look easy, but don't be fooled: No-one knows what to do. Every new mom is scared as snot that they're going to Mess Things Up.
When we were fully and truly committed to our adoption, but before we met the dotter, I had a panic attack that had me gaping like a frog at my husband, asking forlornly, "What if she *doesn't LIKE me*???"
I'm constantly afraid I'm going to mess the dotter up. That she's going to spend years in therapy just because of things I do.
The best you can do is muddle through.
Big hugs. You'll muddle through.
Posted by: OmegaMom | June 10, 2006 at 09:48 PM
I know it sucks being alone in a place that is far away from your friends and family. I can tell you two things though: 1. You're going to get through this, and you will do it better than you can even imagine. 2. I am willing to come help you out in any way you want! Hang in there, sweetie. Just let me know when you're ready for the help and/or companionship and I'll be there.
Posted by: IrishGoddess | June 10, 2006 at 11:18 PM
Any time you need me I'm here or there if i can work it out. omegamom is right, we all just fake it the best we can and try to smile all the while. Once i read an article by a mom in a parenting magazine about her bursting into tears anywhere anytime about anything. I thought I was the only one who did that. I guess its motherhood. its all stressful and sometimes the only thing we can do is cry.
I feel your fear about loosing your little guy. I would panic if i hadn't felt the baby move for a while or if i just felt weird. I was worried all the time. I still am worried. i think i will have the fear of loosing my kids for the rest of my life. it just gets a little easier to deal with the more time that goes on and the bigger they get. be glad you feel him moving and except that little relief you feel each time he does.
Yes, we are far away but when you need us we will be THERE. my kids are big enough that i can leave them for a bit to come help you out. i was already planning on offering. just call me any time, for anything. we love you and we'll help you any way we can.
it'll be great!
Posted by: emily | June 11, 2006 at 12:14 AM
I am so sorry you are going through this. I also have anxiety attacks and I use to take Xanax but because of other problems I had to quit taking it and had to just learn to deal with them as best as I can. Its no fun. As far as being a mom I promise it is something you just do. It will come naturally to you when they place baby in your arms so dont stress about that. As far as what you need if you need any help with that I can tell you what you need...what is a must have and what you really dont have to have. Again, I am sorry you are struggling with this right now.
Posted by: Lisa | June 14, 2006 at 10:38 AM
One more thing. If its at all possible rent you a heartbeat monitor. I was a total mess with my first and thought every second that she wouldnt make it...that there was no way I could carry a baby to term. I was still in shock even after they handed her to me. I couldnt believe she had made it. I went for stress tests and had probably 7 ultrasounds cause I always thought something was terribly wrong..but you know what she was 100 percent perfect. Now I worry about this one. I havent had but one ultrasound super early so I have no idea if this one is normal and OK. I have dreams there is something really wrong with it. But one thing that gives me some peace of mind is that heartbeat monitor. Anytime I havent felt movement I can get it out and liten to the heartbeat and know that baby is just asleep.
Posted by: Lisa | June 14, 2006 at 10:41 AM