My Weblog

Rant

So, I got my first nasty comment a few days ago and it has really been bothering me. I'm not going to go into grand detail about what it said, but I will say that it cut right to the core of how I've been feeling about myself lately. The crux of the comment was this: I'm egotistical and boring and need to get a life. But trust me- they took TWO WHOLE PARAGRAPHS to say this.

Now here's the deal. I know that this was some random person who needs to get a life much more than me. I'm pretty sure that the commenter suffers from small penis syndrome and was sorely disappointed when their search for monster trucks turned up my website. (That isn't what they searched for, but it might as well have been...) But I can't shake the feeling that this person so rudely said so many of the things that I've been feeling lately.

Being pregnant is not the joyride that I thought it would be. I'm not a beautiful glowing pregnant woman. I'm not running through the park with animated birds on my shoulders while singing about the fucking hills being alive with the sound of something or other. No. Instead, I'm sitting around in my pajamas (the dirty one's that can't seem to get washed), my hair pointing out in a hundred different frizzy directions. I barely leave the house, let alone run through parks, because I've been instructed to stay off of my feet. My legs are cramping up from lack of use. My "baby bump" is probably more from gas and excessive food consumption than my microscopic child. And I can't stop spinning. God forbid I should actually have some energy to put some make-up on or tidy up the house (which I couldn't even if I did because I'm supposed to be taking it easy). Anytime I decide that I'm going to lose my mind if I don't get out of the house TODAY then I find myself too tired to actually go once I've showered, done my hair and put makeup on. If I do go then I'm a zombie once we actually walk out the front door. And should I manage to somehow, in spite of all of that, have a good time. Well, don't worry because the morning sickness will kick in and put an end to the fun in no time flat.

And then there are the hormones. I told Bruno last night that if I wasn't pregnant then I would definitely be sitting in a psychiatrist's office right now, begging for happy pills. The depression that has moved in is beyond what I could have expected. I can't even express how low I'm feeling and frankly, I don't want to even go into it. It sucks.

So then I get this comment from Mr. Smarty pants and I think to myself, "Well sure my blog sucks. How couldn't it? I'm fucking pregnant and tired and can't string together two coherent thoughts if my life depended on it. But thanks for pointing that out because I really needed just one more person to kick me while I'm down. No really, thanks."

The Eating Habits of The Indigenous Pregnant Woman

It dawned on me last night, after eating strawberry and chocolate ice cream and then having a crazy craving for radishes, that maybe I should talk a bit about my eating habits. And in case you are wondering, yes I did eat radishes! I've been craving them like you wouldn't believe lately so we actually had some in the house.

My cravings come at me like a ton of bricks and usually are driven by the power of suggestion more than anything else. If I see ANYTHING edible on the television, suddenly I must have it. After eating the radishes last night (at midnight!), I saw a commercial for M&Ms and thought that I would go mad if I didn't get M&Ms STAT! But since we didn't have any candy in the house I had to go without.

Here is an incomplete list of the foods that I've absolutely had to have in the past week:

Pizza (which I didn't eat once it got here)
Broccoli
Neapolitan Ice Cream
Alfredo Sauce
Snickers
Spinach Tortellini
7 Layer Dip (Didn't eat that either)
Top Ramen (I'll never eat it again!)
Snickers
Salad with Ranch Bacon Dressing (After watching it all come back up again, I won't be eating that again!)
Fresh Veggie Platter (I ate ALL of the carrots and then had the worst stomach ache afterwards!)
Chinese Chicken Salad (The dressing tasted like crushed baby Tylenol. Disgusting! I only had one bite.)
Ham Sandwich (To replace the Chinese Chicken Salad. Had two bites and decided there was something wrong with it.)
Chocolate Chip Cookies (They don't have my favorite brand here in MI. And THOSE are the one's that I wanted! Not Chips-O-Hoy!)
Snickers

Half the time, I get what ever it is that I'm craving and it doesn't taste right or just plain disgusts me when it's actually in front of me. And I've also noticed that I can't keep food doesn't sit well in my stomach during the day but that I could eat non-stop at night. Which I find very odd because my "morning sickness" comes first thing in the morning and all night long.

I can't wait until the morning sickness part of this is over! No More!

Body Changes

I have a list of other pregnancy blogs that I check daily and the general consensus seems to be that you just don't blog during your first trimester. How can you when your brain is full of jello and half the time your head is in the toilet? Typing posts from the bathroom, in between heaves, isn't as fun as it sounds. So, I feel less like a bad blogger and more like a normal pregnant woman. I hope that you can see me in that light as well.

As for what's going on in my life... I'm hitting 8 weeks now and the morning sickness seems to have really stepped up. Woohoo! The fatigue also seems to be getting worse, which (according to one of my pregnancy books) is right on track. I had no idea that it would get worse! What the hell???

I've also noticed that my clothes aren't fitting too well anymore. Mostly it's my underwear and pants. As it is I'm surviving in one pair of jeans and one pair of yoga pants that double as pyjamas. Well, they don't actually "double". That would imply that I'm using them for their original intent, which I'm not. HA!!! Nope, these trusty pants are only being used to lay in bed or sit on the couch- my two favorite pastimes these days...

Because of my expanding waistline I've been forced to go out and purchase some looser fitting clothes. Oh boy do I love clothes shopping! Especially for pants!! Can you tell that I'm lying? Because I am! Let me explain... I'm 5 feet tall. I should actually say that I'm 5 feet short because there is nothing tall about me. And of those 5 feet, only about 2 feet of them are my legs. Well, that may be a slight exageration but it illustrates my point beautifully. So, since I have the legs of a small child, I find it insanely difficult to find pants that fit me in length. Usually what I end up doing is buying capri pants made for tall gals. They generally fit me like normal pants. Anyhow, I've somehow gotten off track here... The point is, I had to go buy new pants but now I'm not only short but I also have this expanding waist that doesn't look pregnant yet but mearly fat. At least that's what I thought... While I was looking through the racks of pants I found myself getting more and more depressed because I hate clothes shopping so much (unless it's for pretty dresses!). By the time that I had to actually try stuff on I had worked up a pretty foul mood. Poor Bruno decided to go for a walk rather than watch me suffer through the angst of finding the right pair of pants. So, I grabbed my pile of pants and trudge over to the dressing rooms. Of course, nothing fit properly and normally this would have made me even more depressed. The kind of depressed that only a martini can cure. But this time was different! This time, as a I was pulling off the last pair of pants I looked in the mirror and realized that I'm starting to look pregnant! I didn't know that it happens this early. But I am! I was actually trying on bras too so when I looked in the mirror I had only a bra and underwear on. And I'll be damned if I don't have a nice little bump starting. One that starts right below my breasts and goes down to my lower abdomen. Oh! I fell in love with my little bump the minute that I discovered it!

When I walked out of the dressing room I was empty handed but had a huge smile on my face. Bruno didn't quite know what to make of this. I'm pretty sure that he thought that I had finally snapped. That perhaps I had left a pile of dead sales associates in the dressing room or something. I could tell by the suspicious look in his eye. But somehow I made my mouth form words (all it wanted to do was keep smiling) and I told him about the bump. Then we quickly flew home so that I could show it to him. Ahhhh. So far, pregnancy has been all morning sickness, fatigue and fear but this weekend I got to experience the first positive thing about pregnancy and it couldn't have come at a better time. Frankly, I was getting pretty sick of the first trimester blues.

I Am Alive

I'm sure that you've all just about given up hope on me and frankly, I wouldn't blame you. If someone would have told me that I would go this long without updating my weblog I would have called them an evil liar. But alas, it's true. I have found something more important than updating this site: sleep.

So, what have I been doing with all of my free time? Sleeping, trying not to throw up and working- not always in that order. Oh yeah, and watching tv. Because, yup, I finally succumbed to the pressures of society and bought myself a tiny little tv with a remote control that has work ethic issues (ie: it doesn't like to work very often). I know that I've said all sorts of condescending things about the idiot box and how my life will cease to be mine if I ever did allow a television in my home again. Well guess what? It's amazing that I can string together these few sentences, that's how much the tv has destroyed my mind.

Aside from the latest addition to our family (the tv) not much else is going on here. I'm working on resting so that the baby can grow big and strong. I'm trying to meet my deadlines (and god do I have a lot of them!!). I'm dreaming a lot about smoking cigarettes-- nice, huh? Oh yeah, and I'm knitting a baby blanket. My life is wild!

One thing that I've found very interesting... lately I've been incredibly home sick. I have never craved the beach before but these days all I want to do is lay down a blanket on the sand and stare out at the waves of the ocean for hours on end. I want to smell the salt in the air and feel the breeze in my hair. I want to become intoxicated by the ocean and toasted by the rays of the sun. And I miss my old haunts and my friends and family. I don't want to move back there because we would be the poorest people in the entire state of California, but I do miss it anyways.

An interesting aspect to my homesickness is that I don't actually feel like I could go back again- at least not to my old haunts. I've written before about a friendship of mine that has been dying since the day that I left California. Well, I think that it's officially been put to rest. I called her a few weeks ago to tell her the good news about the baby and she talked to me for about 2 minutes before saying that she had to go. I asked her to call me when she had time that weekend and I haven't heard from her since. While this is something that I thought I wanted to see finally over, it hurts to be snubbed in such a way- especially when I was so excited to share my news with her. So, not only is a friendship over but I think that a chapter has been closed as well. That makes me kind of sad because it's the same chapter that Bruno and I met in and the happiest time of my life. And now I feel like I can't go back.

Wow, I didn't know that I was going to talk about that, but see what a week without blogging will do to you? So, before I confess anymore deep dark secrets I'm going to go lay down.

A Scare

We had a scare on Thursday when I noticed that I was spotting... well actually, it was a bit more than spotting but that seems like a more polite thing to say online than say "bleeding". Anyhow, you would be amazed at how quickly your life can turn upside down in a split second. Since I first discovered the spotting I've felt like I've been walking around in the twilight zone, in an unfamiliar body, in an unfamiliar (and mighty cold) world.

As of now, all is well with the baby and the doctors were even able to detect a heartbeat, which is the greatest news I've ever heard in my entire life. After 8 terrifying hours in the ER (6 of them spent laying on a gurney) I broke down in hysterics when the nurse informed me that there was a heartbeat. I had a hard time pulling myself together to talk to the doctor about the results of my various tests.

While I was there they poked me and prodded me in places that I don't care to ever discuss, searching for an alternate explanation for the bleeding. They didn't find one. They still don't know why I was bleeding. Apparently my cervix is sealed up tighter than Fort Knox (more excellent news) so the blood isn't coming from there. They just don't know. But since I was bleeding and had some minor pain in my abdomen (which very well could have been gas), they wrote on my chart "Threatened Abortion". Then they gave me all sorts of statistics, such as, "50% of all threatened abortions result in miscarriage." But the doctor did say that he had no idea where that statistic came from.

So basically, I have to stay home and rest. I don't know for how long. I have an appointment in April to see the doctor so I suppose he'll tell me if the resting is still necessary. Until then, I'm laying low and doing everything possible (which means nothing) to keep my baby from miscarrying. Don't get me wrong, I'm still taking my pre-natal vitamins and not smoking or drinking or dancing on tables at bars, but other than that, there is nothing that I can do to prevent a miscarriage from happening. And that's the worst feeling ever.

Morning Sickness

Last night I had the worst morning sickness I've had so far. As a matter of fact, it was infinitely worse- worse without warning worse. One minute Bruno was asking me about my salad, did I enjoy it? And the next I was covered in radioactive perspiration and running to the bathroom to get sick. I don't recall the last time that I got that violently sick. I thought for certain that my eardrums were going to burst, the rushing sound in my head was so loud. When I was done I walked back into the bedroom and Bruno and I had a good laugh about the whole thing. Then I decided to eat some crackers to sooth my stomach. As I stared into the cabinet looking for the cracker box the sensation hit me again. This time I practically tripped getting to the bathroom and, since there was no longer anything left in my stomach to dispose of, I threw up liquids and bile and other such lovely stuff. My throat is still sore and raw from the second round and my eyes are kind of bloodshot. I wonder if I burst a blood vessel in my eye? That's how violent it was.

So now I'm terrified that last night was the beginning of the end. I've felt bad for the past few weeks, but this is a whole new level of bad. If this is what my days will be filled with, I'm in big trouble. I informed Bruno that the next child, he would be carrying.

Nothing New...

Wow, I've been kind of a wreck lately! On top of the ever-so-fun morning sickness, I also have a sinus infection. Yesterday I spent the majority of the day in bed, begging my head to stop pounding in 5 different places and making deals with my teeth to quit throbbing or I'd have the lot of them removed. Idle threats. But at least I'm feeling a little bit better today. The truly frightening thing is that I have so much work piled up and two projects due today. I don't know if it's going to happen but I'm going to work like mad today to try to pull it off.

Aside from work and morning sickness, not much else is going on here. My craft projects are all on hold until I feel better. I've been trying to read but can't seem to focus on much of anything. I kid you not- I started 5 books this past weekend and couldn't get into any of them. That's rare for me. Pretty much the only things that do capture my interest these days are TV shows or movies. Something that I can just be entertained by without having to participate in. So I blew through the entire season of Project Runway and am now current (and addicted!) and I'm waiting for Netflix to deliver the last season of Gilmore Girls. Wooo! My life is exciting!!!

In other news, if my calculations are correct, I'm 7 weeks along and have 237 days until the baby is due. Two days ago, my baby's liver was formed. What were you doing two days ago???

Here's Where I Am

My dear friend Irish Goddess had a dream the other night that I shut my blog down. Rest assured, it was only a dream. But I do realize that my blogging time has been seriously hampered by the rigors of pregnancy. I can't believe that I can go so long without updating my blog and, worse yet, that at times I've completely forgotten about my blog. Trust me that this is just a symptom of what is going on with the rest of my life.

I knew that I would be tired during the first trimester. Every single woman who has been pregnant will tell you this fact. All of the books say the same thing. This did not come as a shock to me in the least. But what is shocking to me is that I can't seem to get anything done because of this extreme fatigue. And when you pile on the morning sickness, well then you really don't have too many coherent moments in the day to work or do things like clean or put make-up on. I look like a mess. As I sit here writing this, I still have yesterday’s make-up on (complete with mascara smudged under my eyes) and my hair looks like a rats nest. My pajamas are dirty because I seem to be wearing them all of the time- even when doing laundry- which means that they haven't made it into the washer in a while.

I'm really really concerned about this. The fatigue seems to be getting worse (as does the morning sickness) and the past two days that I've attempted to work have been complete failures. I have two articles due on Tuesday and neither of them are close to done. I want to drink a whole pot of coffee so that I can wake up and get some serious work in, but that's bad for the baby so I can't. I can't do anything that will wake me up. Showering doesn't work, nor does eating. I'm stuck.

Last night I was laying in bed and my heart began pounding so loud that I thought someone was banging on the wall. It took me a second to realize that the sound was coming from inside of me! I was having a panic attack. I can't do this. I'm so afraid that I'm going to miss my deadlines and lose my job. And what happens when the baby gets here? How am I going to work from home with a baby? I said that I would "make it work" but that was maybe the desire for a child talking and not reality. I'm really scared.

Now, this will sound harsh but I have to say this... Please don't leave me any comments telling me that it's just going to get worse when the baby gets here. Or to enjoy the sleep while I can because I'll never be able to sleep again. Or that this is just the tip of the iceberg. I know that people can be very fond of leaving such tongue in cheek comments because they think that they are funny, but in my current state, I won't find them funny. They will just make me cry because I know they are true. So if you love me (or even just like me a little bit) please don't say anything like that. It's not nice to make a pregnant woman cry.