My Weblog

Project Runway

I've done it. I broke down and purchased the entire season of Project Runway from iTunes. My computer is very busy right now downloading episode after episode of chiffon and bitchiness and apparently a few show tunes (?). I can't wait!! Would you believe that I've never seen a single episode? Well, I haven't. Because I don't have a TV. But even if I did have one, I still probably wouldn't have cable so I would have missed out on this little gem anyways. Here's the amazing part though... There are 13 episodes in the season and if you download them each individually, well that's going to set you back 26 big ones. But, if you take advantage of iTunes "purchase entire season" option... well, you're getting 13 episodes of sewing goodness for a mere (drum roll please) $9.99! I believe that it's some type of belated Christmas miracle. Really. Baby Jesus is crying tears of joy right now.

I figured that since I seem to be spending amazing amounts of time laying down these days (to combat the dizziness) I should have something to watch while I'm doing this. So, I'm pampering myself. Without shame. Nope! You can't shame me!

By the way, I would like to clear something up here... I've had a few folks ask me why we don't have a TV. Not in the, "What in the hell's wrong with you?!?" kind of way, but in a more polite kind of way. So, for those of you not brave enough to ask the question, here's the answer anyway... We don't have a TV by choice. You would be amazed at how much more productive you can be without that idiot box! I love not having the distraction or the excuse to sit on my butt and do nothing. Now, this isn't a judgment on all of you folks out there who DO have a TV. No siree. See, I know all about the way that you get sucked into television shows. I used to be able to tell what day it was by what was on television that night. It was a problem for me. Maybe it isn't for you. Probably you have much more will power than I do. But the point is, I have no will power what so ever. If I had a television in the house, I would watch The People's Court everyday instead of working. I would watch every crime show ever made (with the exception of the absolute worst shows ever made- you know? The CSI series...) each night and never get any sewing done. As a matter of fact, my sewing machine would still be sitting in the box and we would probably use the box as a table for the TV. See where I'm going with this?

So, to recap. Me + TV = BAD. You + TV = Maybe not so bad. But, just so we're clear here, Me - TV still does not equal a clean house. I'm happy that we got that all straightened out. Now I'm going to watch episode 1 of Project Runway.

A Compassionate Government?

Remember my post about Nurse Janice and how helpful she was? Well, she was, don't get me wrong. But the information that she gave me about qualifying for the medicaid program was not entirely correct. On Friday Bruno and I trekked down to the Department of Health Services to fill out paperwork and meet with an insurance counselor. That was a fun adventure! The only thing that I can relate it to is a visit to the DMV... in Santa Ana. Those of you not from California won't get that, but trust me when I say that it was less than pleasant. And also quite sad. Michigan has such a depressed economy that people who have spent their whole lives being self-sufficient are now forced to rely on government assistance just to get by. So the waiting room was a strange mixture of seemingly homeless people and average middle class looking people. Believe me when I say that I want to go into excruciating detail about the bottom feeders that I encountered there, but I won't because I feel so sad for the people who truly were doing everything within their power to get by but just couldn't. I imagine that so many of the people sitting in those disgusting government issue chairs, waiting for their ticket to be called, were suffering through one of the most humiliating experiences of their lives. My heart was breaking as I looked around me, perhaps because I felt a kinship with these folks. Whatever it was, it was very uncomfortable and I felt like I had no right to witness that moment in those people's lives.

That was kind of a tangent... Anyhow, back to my story. After waiting for days to be called, finally Bruno and I were escorted to the back where we sat down with a counselor to discuss the application. For the sake of anonymity, I will call her Ms. DHS. Ms. DHS was very nice, but at first I was kind of afraid of her. In retrospect, I think that she initially put out an attitude because she saw Bruno and I as two spoiled rich kids who were trolling the system. That's just my guess. But, as soon as we sat down with her and answered her questions with great respect, she warmed up quite a bit. Unfortunately though, after going through our application she said that we didn't qualify. We had excessive income. If it wouldn't have been so horrifying to hear those words I think that I would have actually laughed! Excessive income??? Where? I didn't know we had excessive income! And all of this time I've been very careful about my purchases and spending. Why, when apparently I've had excessive income this whole time and didn't know it?

Well, needless to say, I didn't laugh when she gave us that little gem of information. Nope, instead I started fighting back tears. I explained to her what Nurse Janice told us and that we wouldn't have gotten pregnant if we had know that we wouldn't qualify. "Yes you would have," said Ms. DHS. "No we wouldn't have!" replied Bruno and I in unison. We went back and forth like this for a while until finally Ms. DHS said that maybe she could review our application closer and see if perhaps we did qualify and she missed something somewhere. She sent us on our merry way with instructions to fax over a multitude of documents to her and promised to call us with her final verdict. Honestly, I didn't see the point in doing it and would have just given up if it was up to me, but Bruno persevered and insisted on sending her everything she needed ASAP. So, I did as he wished and gathered together all of the stuff to send and then headed over to Kinko’s where I was able to fax everything without any problems. Then I begged Bruno to take me to the mall. "Please take me to see normal people. I need to wash the DHS off of me!"

While at the mall both Bruno and I were in a kind of blue funk, both of us wondering how we were going to afford to bring this baby into the world. I'm sure that Bruno was working out how he could juggle 2 jobs while finishing up school. I would like to say that I was thinking in the same vein, but I wasn't. I was still in total shock and terrified and couldn't seem to get past those initial emotions to begin making a plan of action. So, while we did have a bit of fun at the Pottery Barn Kids store, it was mostly a depressing trip. At one point, while Bruno and I were seated in the food court with our $100 fast food placed in front of us (Seriously! What's up with the price of mall food? It's not even that good!) and I had a temporary lapse in sanity. These two teenage boys were sitting at a table near us flipping coins on their table. What the point of their stupid game was, I'll never know. But for some reason, the sound of their coins hitting the table repeatedly just sent me over the edge. Without even thinking I leaned over to their table and said in my most bitchy voice, "Excuse me! Can you PLEASE stop that! Thank you!" I think that I scared the bejesus out of those kids because the color drained from their faces as they nodded their pimply heads at me. Then they grabbed their change and took off. I actually felt bad after that. They weren't jerky kids. Maybe a bit nerdy, but not obnoxious or anything. The whole exchange gave me something new to be depressed about. I actually wanted to track those kids down and give them a hug and say that I was sorry and explain that I'm pregnant and kind of crazy...

So anyhow, we ended up going home after that little exchange. I was sitting on the couch when Ms. DHS finally called us with the verdict. I swear I couldn't believe it when she said that I actually qualified and that I would get my paperwork next week. Huh? I didn't get it. I still don't get it, but I'm not questioning it. I'm just going to be grateful and believe that maybe it was a miracle and Ms. DHS saw how much we really needed this coverage. I hope that good things happen for her in life.

Life Changes

I have been a bad blogger lately. My brain is like sludge these days so it's hard to come up with things to talk about. The impossible has happened and I've actually been short of things to say. Who knew?

The past week has been a little difficult (understatement!) because I've had to give up a lot of bad habits. The day that I found out I was pregnant was the last day for many many things in my life, such as cigarettes, martinis, wine, benedryl (my sleeping medication!) and coffee. Take any one of those things out of the equation and times are hard, but take them all out in one day and without warning and the world comes crashing down. The easiest to give up have been the martinis and wine since those weren't things that I was dependant on. Just nice ways to relax but not necessary for life to go on. But the others, those are earth shattering. I always knew that I would have to quit smoking and have tried a million times but it is the hardest thing to do. And frankly, I had kind of thought that I was never going to get pregnant so I would deal with the smoking issue in my own time. Well, the baby had a whole different opinion on that subject. So, I've quit. As for the benedryl, I don't need it to sleep now since I'm dead tired all of the time, but my allergies have gone haywire. It's like I have a perpetual cold. And the coffee... Well let's not even go there.

So, I've been working on adjusting to my new life. I'm not complaining and am actually quite happy to give up all of these things because the greater good is just that. Much greater and very good! It's just been difficult and I'm working on maintaining my sanity while altering my habits.

As for the baby, well I couldn't be happier. I've been very emotional ever since I found out and hardly a day goes by that I don't cry over something. And it doesn't necessarily have to be a sad thing that gets the tears flowing. Nope. I've cried over kind emails, pictures of baby cribs, beautiful fabric... you name it and I'll cry about it!

I don't think that the whole idea of actually having a baby hit me right away. For the first few days I walked around in a strange daze. Perhaps shock? But on Friday Bruno and I went to Pottery Barn Kids and looked around at the nursery stuff and all of the sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks. This is going to be my new life! These things are going to be a part of every day once the baby arrives. I'm going to have little baby clothes everywhere and pacifiers and baby toys. Everything is going to change. And I'll be damned if that didn't make me cry tears of insane joy! We're going to have a baby! A little child that is half me, half Bruno. A little person that we get to raise and love. It's amazing.

So, that's where I've been in life this past week. In shock and filled with great joy. And really tired in between those two states. Wow. I've always wanted this and now it's finally happening. All I can do is shake my head in awe and wonder at the beauty of it all. I have a human being growing inside of me and it really is the most amazing miracle ever. Which is why I don't mind giving up all of those bad habits. It's my job to protect the little guy (or girl) and I am so happy to do it that I'm practically in love with the responsibility alone!

Fighting the Religious Establishment

Yesterday was a crazy day. In order to see an OBGYN I have to have proof of the pregnancy, which would be easy to get if I had health insurance like most people. But since I don't at this point, I had to find a clinic that would do the test for me. You know, I've had health insurance all of my life so I've never really had to figure out how "the other half" does things like this. Let me tell you. Life for the uninsured is horrible! We really need to figure out a better solution for the uninsured in this country. I could go off about this, but I won't.

Anyhow, I had called around to several places and found that the only one's near me were Catholic run. I didn't really give it much thought before making an appointment at the one around the corner from my house. I figured that all I would do is go in there, pee in a cup and then be on my merry way. Nope.

When we walked into the building I instantly knew that something was off. But, I needed this test done so I thought that I would suffer through the religious BS for the sake of my child. The first thing that they had me do was sign a paper that said that I clearly understood that this was not a medical facility. Huh? But, I signed it. A lady who seemed very nice escorted me to a back room that looked like therapist's office, complete with couches and boxes of tissues. Then she whipped out a questionnaire and started asking me questions that, at first, seemed harmless. But as she got further into her list the questions became much more invasive and, in my opinion, completely inappropriate. Here's just a sampling of the things that I was asked:

Is this your first pregnancy?
Do you use birth control?
Have you ever had an abortion?
How do you feel about abortion?
What is your religion?
What is your husband’s religion?
Do you believe in god?
Why not?
Are your parents married?
Why not?
Why did your dad kill himself?
Did he do drugs?
Does your mom go to church?
Does she do drugs?

And so it went. I hadn't prepared myself ahead of time, otherwise I would have lied just to get my test and get out of there. But as it was, I was completely thrown off. And I was feeling really dizzy so I could barely even concentrate. All that I was thinking is, "This is so so wrong. I'm an adult. I should just stand up to her and tell her that I don't appreciate this line of questioning and can we please move onto the test." And then of course I started thinking, "What kind of mother are you going to make if you can't stand up for yourself here? This isn't how your child should be welcomed into the world. This is a celebration, not an opportunity to spew bull shit propaganda and further an anti abortion agenda! But if you just sit here and take this, you're letting this woman ruin the moment that your pregnancy is officially confirmed! Coward!" Maybe I should see someone about those multiple personalities residing in my head!

Finally her questions relented and she announced that it was now time for the test. After sticking a paper cup in my hand she showed me to the bathroom where I was to do my thing. When I came out with the urine sample she actually had me perform the test, which further made me feel that something was very off. When I was finished she sent me back to the room with the couches to wait for her. After sitting down on the couch I noticed that there was a television in the room and it dawned on me that I was going to have to watch a video. And probably be prayed for. And that was the absolute final straw! I decided that my baby deserved better than this and that I was out of there. So, I ran out to the lobby, stage whispered to Bruno, "Grab my stuff! Run, Run, Run!" and we hightailed it to the car and drove like the wind.

I didn't say anything for at least a mile, more concerned with putting distance between us and that nuthouse than offering up explanations for my crazy behavior. When I finally did tell Bruno what had happened he was so proud of me that he was grinning from ear to ear. He kept squeezing my leg and telling me that I did the right thing. It felt great!

The only problem was I still didn't have my proof of pregnancy yet. I had an address for a place that was on 8 Mile but I wasn't thrilled about going there. I mean, they're on 8 Mile. But, at this point I didn't care. So, we headed out there and had the test done. At the clinic they offer both abortion services and prenatal care and I felt much better about being there than in the den of oppression that I had recently fled from. While I waited for the results of my test I walked around and looked at the pictures on the walls. There were several black and white photographs of women at a pro-choice rally in the 60's. Looking at those pictures made me break into tears because I knew that this was the kind of thinking that I want my child exposed to. I want my child to have choices without guilt. Not be suffocated by narrow-minded conservative "rationale".

All in all, yesterday was a hard day. When we finally came home I slept for nearly 2 hours. At one point my phone rang and it was the crazy Catholic lady. I didn't take the call but her message was this, "Um, Gigi, you didn't pick up your pregnancy confirmation before you left today. Would you like for us to mail it to you? Please call us and let us know what we should do with it. Thank you." No thanks.

Morning Sickness or the Government?

Wow, this day has been the most frustrating day ever. I believe that I'm experiencing my first real bout of morning sickness and all while trying to navigate the Michigan health care system. So really, I might not have morning sickness at all. The government could just be making me throw up.

Let me explain. You see, I am a freelance employee meaning that I have the joy of working for me, myself and I alone. Fabulous, right? Wrong. I have no company health plan. Last summer when Bruno and I decided to start our little family I did copious amounts of research to see if we would qualify for the state sponsored health program (aka Medicaid) and, lo and behold, we did. I've never been so happy to be underneath that glorious poverty line! Now, before I get hate mail about this, you must understand that I have contributed mass amounts of my hard earned tax money to programs just like this one. As a matter of fact, I surmise that I could probably have supported the health related needs of an entire (albeit small) third world country with the money that I've paid in state and federal taxes over my adult lifetime. And never once have I asked for anything in return. Until now. So I see nothing wrong in asking for a little help now.

But that doesn't mean that I'm not going to complain about the "help" I'm getting. Which is how I ended up in tears this afternoon. Try making sense of the crazy way that the state runs their programs and then try to see a doctor under those program guidelines. It's enough to make me want to quit my job and get one with health insurance. Almost. But, without going into all of the harried details, let me just say that I've been given the crack head runaround. I'm not a crack head. I didn't end up "with child" because I was knocked up by a john. I'm not a 16 year old in a bad situation. I'm a 30 year old married woman who wants to have a child. Would it be so hard to treat me with some respect? I'm not "living off of the government" because I'm lazy. I don't have insurance because it would eat up most of my paycheck and the rest would go to taxes. I'm doing my best to get by and working my tail off yet I'm still in need of government assistance. So please don't treat me like the lazy welfare recipient that you assume that I am.

Wow, deep breath. Can you tell that I've run out of patience? And that I'm insane (see last post for further confirmation)? I finally found a number to someone who could help me, and she didn't treat me disrespectfully either. She confirmed that I did in fact qualify for the program (if I had made just $600 more last year we wouldn't qualify!) and then she gave me several different phone numbers of people that I needed to talk to. Her voice was so soothing that I started crying because I was just so grateful for her kindness. She told me that I would be able to have the baby at the very very nice hospital only a mile from our house and then she asked me if I was taking my prenatal vitamins. I said yes, because I am, and so she told me to take them with orange juice so that the iron in them could be more easily absorbed into my body. I love her. Her name was Nurse Janice and I think that I'm going to name my baby after her. Even if it turns out to be a boy!

And now, I'm going to throw up.

Crazy? Check! Insane? Check!

A few interesting things have happened since I discovered that I'm pregnant. The first is that I've turned into a crazy evil person. It's happened over night and I'm afraid of myself. I've read that when you're pregnant the mood swings can be infinitely worse than PMS but I figured that I wouldn't have those problems. Come on. I'm a joy. Why would I become insane? Well, the power of hormones is not to be overlooked, my friends. They can turn even Mother Theresa into a demon. And so, it has happened to me. Case in point:

Every night when Bruno goes to sleep he says to me, "Don't stay up too late," to which I answer, "I won't," and then I smile. We both know the drill. He tells me not to stay up too late knowing full and well I may not get to sleep before the sun comes up. We've talked about how it's the most ridiculous exchange because I don't mean one word of, "I won't." But I say it anyways. It's our thing. And yeah, it may be stupid, but we're nothing if not predictable.

So, last night we're laying in bed and Bruno says that he can't keep his eyes open any longer and he's going to sleep. I lean over and give him a kiss and then he says, "Don't stay up too late." Instead of my usual response, for some reason I got extremely angry at his implication that I don't care about our baby and that I'm only concerned with me, me, me and screw sleep and screw health and screw you Bruno! So, I yelled, "I'M NOT GOING TO STAY UP LATE!!! I'M TOO FUCKING TIRED!!!" He cowered under the covers and refused to come out. So yeah, I'm officially crazy.

The second thing that has happened is that I've become inexplicably afraid of something happening to the baby. I've wanted to be pregnant for sooooo long, that now that it's finally happened I'm terrified that it will be taken from me in a flash. I have this insane fear that I'm not meant to have a child and therefore will have a miscarriage. Perhaps every newly pregnant woman experiences this, I don't know. But I'm frickin' terrified! So, every pain in my stomach is a sign. When I woke up this morning and my boobs didn't hurt so bad I was sure that that too was a sign. I run to the bathroom every hour to check for blood. I'm INSANE!

So, there's the baby update. Let's recap: Crazy- check. Insane- check. Yup, that's about right.

Update!!

Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, the announcement that you've all been waiting for. Yup, I'm pregnant! And because I've been so damn tired, I haven't been updating my blog properly. It seems as if all of the creativity has been sucked out of me this past week, and I couldn't think of one exciting thing to write about. Hopefully that will change over time!

That sounds awful! Being pregnant is something exciting, right? But, you see, I didn't know until Saturday night. And I didn't have any reason to suspect it either, since Bruno and I didn't put forward much of an effort in the trying department. Obviously we did something, but let me tell you, it was the smallest effort EVER in the history of the Baby Game- practically a non-blip on the radar. We didn't even update the fertility calendar with my fertile dates this month so we had no idea when those days were. It figures, once we let our guard down, it happens!

The funny thing is though, this past week I had a little voice deep in the back of my head telling me that I'm pregnant. Not asking me the question, "Are you pregnant?" but telling me in no uncertain terms, "YOU ARE PREGNANT!" So, by the time Saturday rolled around I told Bruno that I think I should take a test. We went to RiteAid, purchased the test and then I forgot about it and went to Borders to buy a book. When we got home I again forgot about the test and immediately started reading my book. It wasn't until I walked by the kitchen table and saw the test sitting there that the thought crossed my mind that I should take it. And immediately, after following the instructions of the test, those two bright pink lines popped up. Holy cow! I almost fell off of the toilet I was so shocked! After washing my hands (which I knew was necessary but was just taking too damn much time!) I ran out and told Bruno. He immediately kissed me and picked me up and took me to the couch where we spent the next half hour in shock, after which we called our entire family to tell them the good news. Then I fell asleep.

Today I have to work. That doesn't change, except now I have to do it while in a comma. Yippee!

Another Pointless Post

Not much is going on around here. I've spent the entire week loathing my job and voicing my hatred to anyone who would listen. Last night I had a dream that I quit my job and got a new job working in a cafeteria. Hmm... Do I have a future in food services?

Today, however, I'm in a much better mood. It's been steadily getting better since yesterday and boy am I thankful for that! I'm pretty sure that Bruno was going to lose it if I said, "I HATE MY JOB!" one more time. This break in the clouds couldn't have come at a better time!

So, now it's the weekend (just about) and I'm quite thrilled because I thought that I had an article due on Monday and I don't. This means that I can waste my weekend away like normal people instead of working, which was my original plan. I'm going to hit up the flea market on Sunday and work on my buttons the rest of the time. Bruno will be in school most of the weekend and I'm bummed about it. But, it's the final sprint before graduation so I can't complain. May will be here in no time and then I'll hang out with him again. I'm actually thinking of going to his studio with him. I've never hung out in there before. I'll pretend that I'm an art groupie and make passes at him while he tries to paint. It should be fun!

I talked to my mom earlier in the week and she told me that she's coming out for Bruno's graduation. I am so frickin' excited that I could do a little jig. No one would be here to see it though, so what's the point? I can't wait to see her though! I love my mom and we have a blast when we're together so this should be so much fun!

Well, this post was pointless. Oh well. If I didn't write something then you guys might suspect that I had run away from home.

Moving Along

The past week and a half I've been really stepping it up a notch on my button creations. Before leaving for our road trip I managed to check out a couple of stores that they would be perfect in. Then, while on our trip, I found 3 other stores that would also be good matches. Irish Goddesses husband suggested that I try to get them in gallery stores and museum stores, which never once crossed my mind. So, while we were all at the sculpture garden I made a mad dash through their gift shop and realized that he was right. Thanks to my fact-finding missions, I now have 5 potential candidate stores to send samples to. I'm feeling really positive about the whole thing.

Now I'm focusing on the packaging. I've designed a card to put them on which I'm really happy with but I'm still not sure if I want them to go in boxes or if I should leave them as they are. One thing is very clear though: I need to use a professional printer and a high grade of paper. I went to Kinko's before we left for our trip and practically got in a wrestling match with the staff. Those people are idiots! Because they didn't want to get off of their lazy butts, they told me that they couldn't open the file on my cd. So, I ended up printing them at home on some cardstock that I had lying around. They look like hell, but since they are only mock-ups, I can live with that.

So, I'm just trekking along here and trying to make something happen. I now have about 6 ideas for the product line and I'm eager to get working on some of the others. It would be nice if I could have a couple of different products ready to go once I finally approach the stores.

That's where I am in life right now. Just trying to make something better for myself. Oh how lovely it would be if I could quit writing and just make fun stuff all day long!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day! I found this post card image at Meggie Cat where she has a billion and one free images that are royalty free. Check her site out!

Since this is the day of love, I should tell you what my dear husband did for me last week. On Thursday he came home clutching a grocery bag and he had a silly grin on his face. I asked him, "What's in the bag?" "Oh, just some papers from my studio that I wanted to bring home." That was boring so I quickly forgot about it. Later that evening we were sitting on the couch and he picked up the bag and put it on his lap. Then he cleared his throat and said that he had something for me. He began by explaining that what he made me is very rough right now but it will be cleaned up eventually. OK... Then he pulled out two stacks of printer paper that had been 3-hole punched and fastened with brackets and set them on my lap. I look down at them and realize that he had printed out my entire blog and fashioned it into a book for me. Is that not the most fabulous thing that you've ever heard? He said that he wanted me to see how much I had actually written and that I could write a book if I really wanted to. Wow! So yeah, I have the most wonderful husband in the world!