My Weblog

Throwing My Back Out

It's Tuesday and I have so much work on my plate this week that I'm freaking out. Since I've been in this lovely pale blue colored funk I've managed to avoid working but now it's catching up with me. I kind of feel like I'm walking through fog as thick as pea soup and so it's going to be a pain to pull these projects together and get them to the editors in time. I know that I'll be able to do it, but I have been waiting for that familiar energy boost that fear of not completing my projects on time usually infuses me with and it just hasn't arrived yet. I know that I'm walking on thin ice here and because I hate my job so much I'm having a hard time caring. I can't afford to lose this job, but I don't really want it either. And I sincerely hope that by saying that I didn't just jinx myself. Quick! Everyone knock on wood!!!

Well, I think that the stress of the past few days (remember that whole family thing??) has caused my back to go out. This happens to me sometimes and always at the worst possible moments! When I was working for Evil Corporation, Inc. (I stole that from Nora) I had been working for months on a new training program. The week leading up to its launch I was still finalizing the training manual and had been working from home on my PC to complete it. I didn't sleep much that week and was pretty much neglecting my health to get it done on time. The day of the launch I came into work and popped in the cd that held the important manual only to find that the file was corrupt. We had no manual. And I lived hours away from my work. In that moment my back seized up and my head was stuck sideways, practically resting on my shoulder. I looked hot! When my boss saw me I had tears streaming down my face (very professional!) and was basically a god awful mess so she sent me home. I ended up on the couch in my living room for a week because I couldn't move without pain shooting down every limb in my body. Good times!

And then when Bruno and I were planning our wedding it happened again. This time I went to the acupuncturist and he told me that the knot that I had in my back was too big for someone my age. "What does that mean?" I asked him. He told me that it takes decades to build up a knot that size and that I need to reduce the stress in my life. "Do you have a needle that can do that?" Never ask an acupuncturist that question because, no matter what your ailment is, they DO have a needle for it. The stress needle gets inserted in the back of your foot. More good times!

And of course, the stress of living in downtown Detroit also took a toll on my back. We found an acupuncturist in the suburbs who turned out to be a total quack (a high priced total quack). She actually hurt me with the needles (my doc in California never did that!) and Bruno heard me scream from the waiting room. She tried to do the cupping on my back (it always seem to work back home) but the suction cup things that she used kept flying off my back. They were weird, too. My acupuncturist in California only used these glass fish bowl looking things. He would heat them up with a lighter and then put them on my back. This new acupuncturist had these things that were made out of plastic and had to be pumped up. I'm pretty sure that she ordered them out of the back of a magazine.

Anyhow, so now I have to find a new solution. I could fork over the cash to go see a new acupuncturist. There's a place right around the corner from my house that looks reputable. Or, I can ask Bruno (very very nicely) to give me a massage. The problem with that solution is that it has to be done every day and he just doesn't have the energy for it. So, it looks like I have some needles in my future. I've been wanting to see an acupuncturist for fertility anyways, so maybe now I can kill two birds with one stone.

Dear Abby

This was in Dear Abby's column today.

DEAR ABBY: My friend -- I'll call her "Dina" -- has a difficult time getting pregnant. All the tests she had done came back normal. They can't find anything wrong with her, but she can't conceive. Dina does not want to adopt. She loves kids, but she wants one of her own.
It is very difficult to tell her to relax and take it easy. I tried telling her that, but she keeps getting frustrated all the time, and now it's affecting her sex life and her marriage. Any ideas? -- CAREFREE IN SEASIDE, CALIF

DEAR CAREFREE: Your friend's problem is more common than you may think. Telling her to "relax and take it easy" was the wrong thing to do, however well-meant. She is hurting, and every monthly cycle that goes by is a reminder. Much as you might like to, you can't make the situation "better."

My advice to you is to suggest that Dina and her husband talk with a fertility specialist, and possibly a psychotherapist, to help her deal with her pain, frustration, disappointment and anger.

____________________________________

Hm... Where do I begin??? Why does this so-called friend feel that it is her place to offer up ANY advice on getting pregnant? Why does she take it as a personal affront that "Dina" can't just relax? This Carefree in Seaside person is an insensitive jack ass and I don't like her! And, in my opinion, Abby should have told her to mind her own damn business! As if "Dina" doesn't know about fertility specialists and therapists! Please. The only one who needs therapy in this situation is Carefree! Oh, and I'm not done yet! What an ass that she could think that adoption is going to make everything better! Yes, it can be an alternative, but it doesn't change the fact that "Dina" wants a biological child. It doesn't take that hurt and sadness away! Oooooohhh! My blood is boiling!!!!!

Closing A Chapter?

Well, my weekend went something like this:

Friday- Wonderful dinner with Bruno before the much anticipated concert. Concert, not good. Very loud and sounded nothing like the Miles Davis I know. Both of us had headaches when it was finally over.

Saturday- Fun day hitting every antique shop within a 20 mile radius. Bought awesome vintage purse and curtain panel. Watched CB4 (a rapumentary in the vein of Spinal Tap) and laughed our asses off.

Sunday- Went to flea market and bought 2 bags of buttons. Had a lovely lunch followed by grocery shopping. Came home, sat on couch, ignored ringing phone. Checked phone message. Had a coronary.

My father's estate has been in probate for almost 4 years now- since his death in October of 2001. It has been a horrible experience all the way around. It is like the door to the past that refuses to stay shut. Every phone call from the lawyer turns into a painful reminder of how my father died. I have wanted so badly for this to all end. I just want to be able to move forward with my life and put this all behind me. Of course, since my family was not the happiest one, this has also been an opportunity for my stepmother to punch us in the gut a few more times. This could have been a simple matter for the courts to handle, but instead it has turned into a nightmare. The one good thing about this is that my brother's and I have all been the same page with each other. It's just my stepmother who is causing problems. When my father died she refused to let any of us kids have ANYTHING of his. We could have nothing. No tokens with which to remember our father by. Nothing at all. So, faced with that kind of resistance we were forced to fight for what was rightly ours. And it has been an ugly and awful fight. But, the phone call that I received last night was the lawyer telling me that my stepmother is agreeing to settle with us. It's almost over and we are getting our share. Of course, she can change her mind at the last minute, and knowing her she just might. But we are so close to the finishing line now. Very soon we will be able to close this chapter of our lives and move forward. I can't believe it.

Oddly enough, while the news is good, it just served to bring up all the sadness and pain that surrounds my life with my family. I spent the better part of last night alternating between shock and tears. I can't believe that I still have so much anger inside of me. I thought that I was getting over all of this, but the wounds still feel so fresh. These next few months are going to be very emotional one's and I'm not exactly looking forward to them.

The Music Of Miles Davis

Today is the day that I've been waiting for since November! Bruno and I are going to see the Music of Miles Davis at the Max M. Fischer hall! Yippeeee! We're going to head downtown around 5pm and grab some dinner and a handful of martinis before zooming over to the concert hall for what I hope will be the most amazing concert of my entire life! There are a lot of exclamation marks in this paragraph!!!

Here's what the website says about tonight's concert:

"Miles Davis devotee Eddie Henderson and saxophonist Antonio Hart join Kind of Blue session drummer Jimmy Cobb, the last surviving member of that legendary Davis sextet, for the ultimate tribute."

Are you jealous?????

This is going to be a truly lovely weekend. Tomorrow, Bruno and I are going to get out of the house early and go down to the Eastern Market to get breakfast and peruse the antique shops. Depending on how we do with our time we might also go over to the Salvation Army and John King Used Book Store. John King is 5 stories tall and filled with every kind of book that you can imagine! The Salvation Army is just because I want to look for fabric and old kitchen stuff.

Then on Sunday we are going to the flea market and then perhaps over to Bruno's studio where he will paint and I will look at my latest button score! Can you imagine a more fabulous weekend??? Neither can I!

An Open and Honest Discussion About Phobias

I was online today searching for information on how to care for plastic buttons when I came across a site dedicated to strange phobias. Apparently there is a whole slew of people out there who are deathly afraid of buttons. Hm... I started to read some of the personal accounts and found that some people are afraid of two hole buttons while others are afraid of four hole buttons. Some confessed to being disgusted by buttons and feeling the need to vomit when the saw them. Others admitted that, if they accidentally touched a button, they would need to scrub their hands with scalding hot water and bleach. Hm... The general consensus though, was that metal buttons don't bother buttonphobics. Interesting...

What a strange world that we live in. People afraid of buttons. What causes such a phobia and how can people admit to such a bazaar problem? I admit, I have phobias too and maybe they seem odd to other people as well. I'm afraid of big things. Wide open fields, deep water when I'm swimming, large mountain ranges, massive waterfalls like Niagara. I have to close my eyes when driving over Hoover Dam because it scares the bejesus out of me. (Clearly I'm in the passenger seat when I close my eyes.) I can't even think about Hoover Dam without my heartbeat going off the charts and my legs feeling weak. As I write this I'm feeling kind of lightheaded from the thought.

I have no explanation for my phobia other than large things make me feel vulnerable. If I'm swimming in the deep end of the pool there is a whole area underneath me where someone or something can come up and grab me. Same with a wide-open field. I can't watch the whole field all at once so I'm always vulnerable from some angle. But Hoover Dam? Large mountain ranges? Those one's make less sense to me.

I'm reading a book right now and the main character has a fear of cats. Not because she was ever attacked by one but because a cat once led her to dead body. Now, whenever she sees a cat she becomes nauseous. How did the cat become the bad guy, I wonder? The cat didn't kill the dead person. The cat didn't even have anything to do with the murder. That cat just happened to be in the general area of the dead person. Based on that logic, everything that surrounded the dead body should give this character the willies. But no, trees don't scare her, nor does snow. Just cats.

Do you have a strange phobia? I'm curious what kinds of unexplained fears we are living with. Please, discuss.

Look! Alpacas!

First of all, thank you so much for the nice comments that everyone left yesterday. It really did help and I'm happy to know that I have support. I know that my post was a downer and I had doubts about actually posting it. When no one read my site it was a lot easier to talk about things close to my heart, but with the new small audience that I have it's become harder. But thank you!

I did something very good for myself yesterday: I got out of my house and hung out with Landlord. I haven't done that in a few weeks and it was good to get out of my own head and just have some fun. When I'm down I tend to isolate myself and that's usually a recipe for disaster so this time I forced myself to socialize and it did a world of good!

We ended up getting Indian take-out and gorged ourselves with food and wine while watching American Idol. It was fun and I laughed so hard that I cried. It's going to be on again tonight and I'm thinking of going down there for another round.

In other news, I got my period today (sorry Male readers for the details!) so there goes another round. Of course, I'm very sad, but I think that yesterday was harder than today. And something struck me today. While this is failed attempt #8 (or #9?) it just means that I'm that much closer to being able to see a doctor about this. It's recommended that you try for a year before seeking any type of fertility treatments and so we are just a handful of months away from being able to do that. That is encouraging to me. Maybe there is some treatment that will make it so that we can conceive quicker? I haven't done any research about fertility treatments because I didn't want to put the cart before the horse, but maybe it's time for me to look into it. At least so I know what the options are should we need to go in that direction.

Well, since I've been on a sort of downer streak, I've decided to post this link to bring you all back up again. It's a "music" video of the west coast rappers response to Chris Parnell's "Chronic-what?-cles of Narnia" rap video on Saturday Night Live. I think that it perfectly portrays west coast life. At least my former west coast life. Except I'm not Jewish, but whatever. Please, enjoy. But maybe not at work because you might get in trouble. It's not NSFW, but I still don't want you to get in trouble.

And, if that's still not enough to make you smile, well.... Look! An Alpaca!

Enjoy!

Looking Back and Looking Forward

Not much new is happening in my neck of the woods. I've been grouchy and surly like a sailor so that's been fun. Last night Bruno and I went to dinner at a restaurant of questionable reputation (they serve an early bird special but we like their food anyway) and had the worst service ever. It took us almost an hour to get our food while people who came in after us were happily eating away. It was horrible. When we finally went to pay our bill the manager asked us how our meal was and Bruno and I just kind of smiled (because we don't do confrontation). But since I'm surly now I told the manager that the service at his restaurant sucks. "Your service REALLY sucks here!" Those were my exact words. So he looked at our ticket to see who our waitress was and then he said, "Oh (insert waitress name here). She never can decide if she wants to work or not." Well then fire her! But I didn't say that because he's the boss, not me. I may be surly but I'm not at that crazed point (yet) that I'll start telling people how to run their establishments. Maybe next week.

When we got home we watched Desperate Housewives and I was thrilled (really! THRILLED!) to see that Gabrielle agreed to get pregnant again. In the time that Bruno and I have been trying to get pregnant, this character has gotten pregnant, had a miscarriage and is now working on pregnancy number two. She'll probably be pregnant in next week’s episode. Because no one knows better than me that just thinking about babies results in pregnancy. I'm not bitter.... And yes, I realize that it's a tv show. So what?

Am I too young to turn into a bitter old lady? I used to wonder what the appropriate age to wear muumuus was. Maybe now I can be bitter and wear muumuus. It seems a lot easier than watching my figure and being happy. Yeah, maybe I am too young to just give up. I'm just so frustrated right now and I can't seem to pull myself out of this funk. Trying to get pregnant is much harder than I ever imagined that it would be. I never expected the monthly depression further compounded by hormones. I didn't realize that I was going to have to pull myself up by the bootstraps only to throw myself back into the fire month after month after month.

I was writing an email to a friend recently and I was explaining the way that hope has turned into a negative thing. In the first few months that we tried to get pregnant I was filled with hope. Even when I got my period I was able to blow it off and still have hope. Then as the months went on, the hope changed from a positive thing to a negative thing. See, with hope, there is an anticipated (or hoped for) outcome. When the outcome is different than what you wanted the hope turns to sadness. Without hope there is no sadness, right? I guess that's what I thought but it's not true. How can you go through the motions of trying to conceive without hope? You can't. The mere act of trying to conceive is directly tied into that hope. And so I've realized that you can't merely be without hope. That something must fill that void where hope resided. And I guess that I've realized that the opposite of hope is bitterness. Maybe it doesn't have to be that way, but that's what it's been for me. So suddenly, all of the things that you once tied that hope to, now have bitterness infused in them. The desire to have a child is now a bitter thing. The idea that, even though I am barely over the sadness of another failed attempt I have to jump back into the fire makes me bitter instead of hopeful. The fact that I absolutely expect my period to come month after month makes me bitter. And, the most ironic of them all, the bitterness that I live with makes me bitter.

I grew up in a household that had one absent father and one bitter stepmother. She was the most angry bitter person I've ever met. Even now, I know no one as angry as she was. She thrived on anger and disappointment. She wrapped herself up in the insulating blanket of rage. It fueled her. Her disappointments in life gave her gasoline for her fire. And, she took it out on me, my brother and my father. Growing up with her was terrifying. You never knew what would set her off or how long her torrents would last. And you never knew what hurtful things would come out of her mouth. When I was in high school her only son (much older than I was) committed suicide. Our already volatile household began to teeter on the edge of insanity. Her rage was sent into overdrive and no one was safe from her wrath. At one point, in a feeble attempt to sooth her, I remember telling her that her son may be gone but we were still here and we needed her and loved her. Maybe not the most comforting words or even the right one's, but I was trying to reach out to her in the only way that I knew how. Her reply was this: "It should have been you that died." Those are the words of a woman so infused with bitterness that she can never go back to a normal life. It was too late for her. The bitterness ate away at her like a cancer and, like cancer, it was too far along to reverse the damage. I knew on that day that it was never going to get better for my family and I was right. Her bitterness and anger spread throughout our house and ate away at everything it could feed off of. One by one, my brother, myself and my father escaped that place in the only way that each of us could. I was kicked out. My brother ran away. And my father took his own life. The bitterness took a nasty toll on my family. I don't want to let it into my new happy family.

So, the truth is, I'm scared of what I could become if this disappointment goes on for too long. I've seen the results of bitterness and I refuse to let it destroy the happiness that I've finally found. Maybe I needed to remind myself of the dangerous ground I'm treading on so that I don't repeat the mistakes that destroyed my family.

Finally, A Use For The Buttons!

Yesterday, while running the usual weekend errands, I talked Bruno into stopping at Walmart. My sister-in-law Emily told me that they have a fabric section and I was dying to check it out. When she told me about it I was a little suspicious. Walmart couldn't possibly have nice fabric, right? Well, it turns out that not only am I a snob, but I was WRONG! They have some really amazing fabric!

I picked out 5 fabrics and brought them over to the counter to be cut. The lady at the counter told me that Walmart gets remnants from fabric houses, and what you see is what you get. Meaning, if you like it, buy it now because you will never find it again. So, let me tell you what I scored! Two, yes two, upholstery fabrics (powder blue chintz) that most certainly would have been somewhere in the $20/yard or more price range for..... (drum roll please).... $3.77/yard! I was smiling so brightly that my face still hurts! The other three fabrics are Japanese style prints that also cost around $4.00/yard each. I walked out of there with 8 yards of fabric for $22.00! That is the frickin' bargain of the century!

After Walmart we headed over to Borders for our CD shopping party. Before I perused the music section I plopped myself onto the floor in front of the craft books looking for ideas. I wanted to use the chintz fabric for purses but wasn't sure how to get the shape and style that I wanted. I found a great book (I can't remember the name of it) and copied the basic pattern on to the back of an ATM receipt. When we finally got home I popped in our new CDs and started pulling paper out of my printer to make a mock up of the purse. Bruno was kind of laughing at me as I flew around the house looking for everything I would need. I couldn't find tape (for the paper mockup) so I ended up using folder labels, but I got it done. I could have stopped there, that's usually where I stop because I'm all planning and very little execution, but I didn't!

In the dining room (aka my craft room) I pulled out my big old tub o' fabric and found the Martha Stewart type fabric that I purchased last year to make curtains (see Day 3). I have so many yards of this stuff and have no use what so ever for it! So I decided that I would use it for the proto-type of my purse, rather than use the new beautiful fabric. It was a good plan because I messed it up pretty bad! But... I learned lot's of stuff while doing it and I really think that when I iron out all of the problems I'll have a great product on my hands! And, the buttons are part of the design! No, not 100 buttons on each purse, but ONE vintage button used to clasp the purse shut! Bloody Brilliant! I would buy a purse if it had a vintage button on it! Who wouldn't???

So today I am going to try to talk Bruno into going to JoAnn's to pick up a few finishing touches for the purse. Once it's done, I'll post a picture up here.

Question to all of you sewers out there: My seams look awful and I can't figure out why. My problem is two fold:

1. The thread has grease on it. I figure that it's coming from inside the machine but I've cleaned it and I can't seem to correct the problem. Help!

2. The seam looks fine on the top side and like crap on the underside. Why is this? I'm so confused and don't know how to fix this. Is it my machine or me? I'm hoping it's me because I can do something about that.

I welcome your help and or advice! Thanks!

Jazz Messenger

Bruno and I are going on a roadtrip next month to Grand Rapids to see an art exhibit of the incredible artist Andy Goldsworthy and to meet up with my great internet pal, IrishGoddess. In preperation for this trip we've decided to invest our hard earned money in a handful of new cds! We perused every section of the music area at Borders, and these are what we bought:

The Dave Brubeck Quartet- Time Out featuring Take Five

Herbie Hancock- Takin' Off

Art Blakey and The Jazz Messengers- Moanin'

All essentials to the perfect jazz collection! I'm so excited to now be the proud owners of these fabulous cds. I can pop them in any time I want and be transported to jazz heaven. And, when I grow up I've decided to be a Jazz Messenger!

The Great Library Debacle of '06

So it turns out a man reads my blog. Make that TWO men! I knew that Bruno kept tabs on this site (just to make sure that I don't sully his honorable name) but now this! A second man! Nora's husband, Nick Charles, left a comment yesterday. I wonder if this means that I should stop talking about my ovaries?

Well, my great espresso high yesterday died down about the time that Bruno made it home. It lasted long enough for me to talk his ear off, driving him to lock himself in the bathroom "claiming" personal issues. Liar! That didn't stop me though. I just sat outside the bathroom door and kept talking. OK, just kidding. None of that happened. Really...

I ended up in bed reading last night. I haven't told you about my library debacle yet. Here's the deal. Last week I went to the library and checked out 4 books. None of them were the ones that I went there looking for, but I needed something to read so they came home with me. It turns out that the books that I really wanted all live at other library branches (you know, on the wrong side of the tracks) so I had to request transfers for them. I figured that this would take some time since some of them were coming from quite a far distance. With that in mind, I requested 7 books in all. Well, lo and behold, they all came in at the same time and now I have 11 books sitting by my bed waiting to be read (in 3 weeks). I ended up just scrapping the 4 original books and diving into the new pile. I've finished one and am partly into the second. It's like a race against the clock! When I picked up the new pile of books, the librarian said to me, "Most people only request that many books ONCE." Like I'm an idiot. Which, maybe I am. She doesn't know about my superhuman abilities to plow through a book a night. I'm making this a personal challenge! I'm going to walk in to that library on the due date and smugly announce that I've finished them all! She doesn't realize who she's messing with.

Yeah, so if you didn't realize that I'm a BIG nerd, well that should pretty much do it for you! Well, I'm off to craft today. I've got some button ideas in my head that need to be tested out. If all goes well, I should have a happy update soon. Cheers!