Baby Steps

Well, I managed to be quite productive yesterday and actually finished a few projects. The soaps are all wrapped up with pretty ribbon on them and the lavender eye pillows are finished. I also finished the final embroidering on my niece's cloth book, so now all I have to do is sew it all together. That means that tonight I'll be sewing and also making lip balm and body balm. Thank god it's finally coming together. If I have time, I'll even try to make a cosmetic bag and see if it works out. Quite ambitious, I know, but I'm a glutton for punishment.

Last night when Bruno and I were laying in bed I decided that it was time to get some stuff that's been bouncing around in my head out. When I got my period this week I never really talked to him about it. Of course, he knew that it had come, but neither of us had any time to sit down and talk about it. We just went on with our mad rush to the holidays. So, I let it out. I felt much better after talking, but Bruno was suddenly filled with all of my worries and sadness. Transference. That didn't make me feel better at all.

I confessed that last week when I was so sick and believing that I was pregnant that I felt consumed with fear and worry. What if I'm miserable during the entire pregnancy? Is today the day when my entire life changes forever? What if I don't like how it changes? What if my kid hates me? What if I don't like my kid? What if our kid grows up to be a jerk? Am I prepared for a bratty 13 year old, because that's what this baby will eventually become... When all of those thoughts were paralyzing me with fear, I was filled with one thought that overshadowed all others: Is this really what I want?

It turns out that saying all of those thoughts out loud took away their power. It's not like we haven't considered just about every one of my questions before. We've talked about this ad nauseum. It just surprised me that these questions seemed so overwhelming when I actually thought that I was pregnant and there was no turning back.

So, after a lengthy discussion, we concluded that those are all rational and normal fears and that we still want to keep going. I don't believe that we were really going to stop our venture, but it felt good to share my concerns and decide to push forward.

We also talked about my anxiety over seeing my niece and nephews over the holidays. It's going to break my heart to hold my baby niece. I love her so much and she was one of the reasons why we became so obsessed over the baby game in the first place. When Bruno and I were in California during the summer, we told my family that we were going to start trying to get pregnant. As we hugged everyone good-bye, we said, "Next time we see you, we'll be pregnant!" We really believed it. To my mother, I voiced my concern that it could take longer to get knocked up than we hoped, but she assured me that it wouldn't. So here we are, going back to the place where we announced our original intentions, and we are still not pregnant. This is heart breaking. And part of me doesn't want to go and see these people because I'm sad and slightly embarrassed. Are they going to look at me like there is something wrong with me? I know. I know. They are my family. They always look at me like that. But really, am I going to be plied with not really comforting phrases like: "It will happen, just relax." or "In God's time..." Actually, I know that no one will say that last phrase because I come from a family of pagans. But still, I might here, "In the Earth Goddesses time". Is there an Earth Goddess???

I could go on for hours here, but I have work to do. Enough wallowing, it's time to be productive. I'll post pics of my projects later tonight. Bruno took the camera to school so I can't do it now. Actually a good thing, because I don't need any further distractions from work. But you know me... I'll find distractions anyway...

Comments

[IrishGoddess]

Yes, there is an earth goddess. :)
By the way, you really are a wonderful writer.

[Gigi]

Thank you for the compliment!! And, I need to learn more about this Earth Goddess. My younger brother once gave me a book about her but I got side tracked and only read the first chapter. Funny that my brother knows more about the Earth Goddess than me. Good for his baby daughter, though!