Today is not a good day. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for four months now and today I started my period, yet again. I truly don't understand why this isn't happening for us. We have a narrow timeline to conceive this baby or else we have to wait another year. We are moving out of state next year and I don't want to have to switch doctors/hospitals etc. during a pregnancy. So, we have one more month to try...
I have lost all hope that this is going to happen. The first month we tried, I was convinced that I was pregnant. Same with the second. By the third, I was more hesitant, but when my period was four days late I thought for sure I was pregnant. When it actually arrived, I felt like someone had ripped my heart out. So this month, I didn't let myself even get the least bit hopeful. I knew that I was just setting myself up for disappointment. And, alas, it was true. So, today I feel like crawling back into bed and never getting out again. I know that the depression can overwhelm me and so I'm trying to fight it, but its hard.
All around me I see people with babies. For years I told anyone who would listen that I never wanted kids. I think that was more a symptom of the state of my life back then, rather than the actual truth though. Now that the time is right in my life, with a wonderful husband who is responsible and supportive, it's just not happening. I'm only 30 years old, but apparently that's a bad thing when it comes to conceiving.
This "baby game", as I've come to call it, is really taking a toll on me. Who can handle this let down month after month? I used to lay in bed at night and dream about the future with our baby. What the babies room would look like... How it would feel to hold our beautiful child... The joy that this new addition would bring to our lives... What the baby smelled like... What kind of personality he or she would have... Now it's just too hard to allow myself to dream about these things when I'm feeling like it may never happen. I feel like I'm kidding myself everytime I allow myself to dream.
Never in my life have I come across something that I couldn't have. Not that I'm spoiled- hardly! Just that almost anything has been possible up until now with the necessary hard work. I like hard work. I'm good at setting difficult goals and achieving them. But how can I make something happen that is completely out of my hands? Nothing has put me in my place more than the baby game.
My husband is at school today working on his thesis. I wanted to call him when I saw that my period had come, but I didn't want him to rush home when there was nothing that he could do to change the situation. I know that this hurts him like it does me, but mostly because he knows what it is doing to me. He wants this child as much as I do, but his hope and anticipation is a little bit different than mine. His mind isn't preparing month after month to carry a child. He can't know what that feels like. He admits that it's different. But, none the less, he's kind and caring about the whole thing. He's wonderful.
I have work to do today and maybe if I throw myself into it, it will help. I can't focus though. One of the many irony's of the baby game is that each month when your period arrives you are awash in hormones on top of the regular disappointment. Mother nature is a bitch!
I don't know if you have tried some of the ovulation kits.They can be of great use for you.So try them if you haven't do it.And I wish you good luck.
Posted by: Cara Fletcher | March 31, 2007 at 04:47 AM