It's the weekend, the only real time that Bruno and I have together, and I'm stuck at home with the flu! Bruno stayed home yesterday so that we could go to Greenfield Village together (something that we've been wanting to do for a while now) but I could barely even make it to Target to buy a much needed blanket. Thankfully, I did make it since I ended up on the couch or in bed all day and that blanket kept the chills at bay.
Usually when we go to Target I want to spend hours on end looking at all of the new and exciting things that have recently come in. I'm a sucker for Target! I'll admit it! I love the fancy stores too (like Nordie's, Neiman's, Sak's, etc.) but at Target I can actually buy stuff. Those other stores are like porn. They turn me on but leave me feeling alone and frustrated! Sorry, that was a tangent... So, back at Target. I had made a list of items that we needed (like a thousand roll pack of toilet paper) and had managed to cross every item off in less than half an hour. It was unheard of! The final item that I needed was cold and flu medicine. While I was trying to figure out which one I wanted, Bruno asked me if we needed anything else. Big pause from me while I contemplate this... I'm thinking, we're only two aisles away from the pregnancy tests... Should I get one? I blame my weakened flu state for the decision that I made. Yes! We should buy a pregnancy test!
I shouldn't have bought the damn test. I knew it. I've been down this road before and it only ends in false hope and then eventually tears and fake smiles. You would think that I've learned, but I'm an eternal optimist, or sucker depending on how you look at it.
When I got home I took the test. I should preface this by saying that my next period is either due tomorrow or on Thursday, depending on whether my cycle will be 25 or 28 days this month. It fluctuates, I think to add an extra element of suspense to the Baby Game. Of course the test was negative, but I have to wonder if it was a true negative or a false negative. I could have taken the test too early. Maybe I don't have enough of the pregnancy hormone flowing through my body yet. Maybe my urine was diluted with water since I didn't use my first urine of the day.
I hate the pregnancy test racket! It's all false hope, with the pregnancy test pimps (you know who you are "First Response"!) promising results 5 days earlier! It's just a way for them to prey on desperate women and make money off of it. I've said this every time I took one of their tests. It's not shocking or new to me. It just makes me so angry. And yes, maybe my anger is misguided, but I'm the one now out ten bucks and still not sure whether or not I'm with child.
Perhaps the bigger issue here is that Bruno and I had a small window to get pregnant within, and this was our last chance for a while. He's starting grad school next September and we had to time the birth so that it occurred before we had to move out of state. If I got pregnant this month, we would have given birth in or around July and then we would move a few weeks later. As it stands, I can't have a delivery date that coincides with a major out of state move. So, if this round doesn't take, we are done for now. We haven't talked about what would happen if I didn't get pregnant before the cut off. We've just been hoping that it would happen. But in a few days, that discussion will become imminent.
So, I'm so frustrated and sick on top of it all. I can't believe that it probably isn't going to happen right now. We are planning on going back to California for the holidays and I'm dreading seeing my nieces and nephews. I thought that I would be pregnant when we went home.
I'm going to take a shower and then climb back in bed. I know that I'm probably putting the cart before the horse by being depressed now, when I don't know anything for sure. But it feels like I'm just being a sucker by maintaining hope that I could still be pregnant.
Side Note: For the two years that I've been writing my column, I have covered "How to Avoid the Flu" each year at this time. Each year, I get the damn flu. I am very against the flu shot because of all the toxic crap that's in it. I also think that the "fear" that each year we will have a flu epidemic that rivals the flu of 1918 is just bogus hype and a conspiracy by the flu shot manufacturers and the CDC to get us to buy their damn shots. I'm not lying, even if I do sound kind of nuts. But regardless, since I formed this opinion, I have avoided getting a flu shot. And I write this with kleenex stuck up my nose and bubbles girgling in my ears. I guess since I'm not in any threat of dying from the mass amounts of mucous in my body, that I should still be happy that I didn't get the flu shot. I guess...
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