I spent the entire day yesterday sitting on the couch with ibook on my lap. I worked on my website's banner for so long that when I finally got up for dinner, everything that I looked at appeared to take on a transparent quality. It was kind of ironic because I was trying to make the background of my image transparent and failing miserably. I had been working so furiously on my project that my elevated heart rate was kind of freaking me out. I kept thinking, "Xanax, Valium! I need to calm down!" Then I remembered that when I was at Trader Joe's earlier in the week I had picked up a couple bottles of wine and we actually had one left! Yippeee! So Bruno and I ate crappy store bought pizza and drank some fabulous wine and I finally started to relax. After that, we worked together on my banner and I have to say... It kicks ass! I love it so much and I can't believe that I actually did the majority of it myself. Bruno "drew" some stuff for me in Illustrator and I nearly had a coronary, I was so excited. I just kept saying to him, "I knew that I married an artist for a reason!" And then I offered to have "marital relations" with him right then and there, but he's got a sore throat and wasn't really feeling it. He took a rain check, which was fine with me. Frankly, it was a heartfelt but empty gesture on my part. I really just wanted to keep working. Of course, since he's an artist he understood that I didn't want to stop when I was on a roll. Buddha love him!
So, I've mentioned that I haven't really had an opportunity to meet people here in the fabulous state of Michigan since we first arrived, way back in December. Bruno and I had a heart to heart about this on Friday and I finally broke down and confessed that it's been so long since I've "socialized", so to speak, that I'm scared to get out there. I am filled with so much anxiety at the thought of meeting new people that I've actually opted to stay home alone rather than push through it. I've had some issues with anxiety in the past and at times it can become paralyzing. Once I force myself to deal with it, I know that I'll be fine. But that fear is overwhelming! It is so silly because I'm not afraid of public speaking at all- just intimate one on one or small group type gatherings. We've had a few people from his school over for dinner and that seems to go fine, but I always feel like I'm on the outside looking in. Not that his friends aren't nice, just that they all are so entrenched in the art world that they don't tend to veer from the subject to often. I appreciate art, but I certainly am not up to their level of enthusiasm (or knowledge) so I tend to keep quiet most of the time. My world is a different one: I'm not in school, I'm much older than most of Bruno's fellow students, I'm established in my career, and Bruno and I are trying to start our family. I just don't have much in common with most of the people that he knows. (There is one exception: a friend of Bruno's that has a child and just graduated from school last semester. She's great and I have a bit more in common with her. I won't mention her name because I'm a freak about privacy...)
That was a very long winded introduction to explain that, finally, I am going to break the long standing fear and go out tonight. I saw an ad in the local paper for a knitting group that meets once a week at a local coffee shop. I knit, but only know one stitch. These women will blow me away with one hand tied behind their backs (funny- not really possible), but I don't care. I could use it as an excuse to not go, but I'm not going to. Admittedly, I'm scared and have even decided several times today not to go. However, when I reminded Bruno last night that I was going, he was so excited for me that he jumped up and gave me a hug. Then he carried on like a father dropping his toddler off at preschool for the first time. I'm pretty sure that he will sit outside the window of the coffee shop just to make sure that the others are playing nice with me. Just kidding. He's just so happy that I'm doing something for myself. So each time I think of some excuse why I can't go, I envision the proud look on his face from last night and chuck the excuse in the trash. If he wasn't so supportive, I would probably sit at home until the ambulance has to rush me to the old folks home when I'm 90. When we were talking about it last night, he asked me what I was going to wear. A funny question, especially coming from him, but he was probably trying to be supportive. He asked if I was going to dress up and I said yes. "I just feel that I look my very best when I'm wearing my wedding dress, so that's what I'll wear." Although, I'll probably end up opting for a sweater and my green pants- comfort clothes.
It's nearly 3:00 pm. I want to get a few hours of work into my website today and then I'll hop in the shower. I'll report back tomorrow on how the kitting group went. Shit! I'm scared!
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